~ Miscellaneous Tips & Info for Newbies ~
excerpted from the BRC's Dungeon Chat log for December 6, 2000
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The Following Tips/Info Gathered From a Past Dungeon Chat
Contributed by the following people:
ketaye
The Englishman
imp
Alabaster Femme
Capt Jack
Esmeralda
The Advocate
Poppybrat
gentleminx
Dornic
~CC~
lilith
tilted halo
From ketaye:
These come from ct and a small portion of rt experience. As my good buddy, tilted
halo says, "take what you need, and leave the rest." ~smiles~
Be sure to know yourself completely (wants, needs, desires)
Define what you are looking to receive from a power exchange (at that specific time)
Determine what type of person you want in your life ALWAYS get to know the other
person you play (have a relationship) with REALLY REALLY well. I can't stress how
important this is. Not only does your safety depend on it but it will your journey that
much more enjoyable. You could be saving yourself some heartache and hurt.
Figure out what you want in your life, how to get it, and do it. Don't settle for anything
less.
Learn about the lifestyle before diving into it. (Ct) There are many people, new to the
lifestyle, that once the shock of the room, or their new found desires wears off, they
jump right into serving, collaring, Dom/ming..etc. They don't take the time to figure out
about themselves, nor do they take the time to really learn what the lifestyle is all
about, the different play scenes, different toys, health and safety, etc.
Read, read, read!! There is a ton of great BDSM material out there.
Be observant. Watch people..get to learn the basics, get to know them. Will also learn
proper protocol (hopefully ~chuckles~)
Ask questions!! There is no such thing as a stupid question.
Always do what is best for you.
Have fun!!
Be yourself at all times. Don't try to impress people and don't do things that you
wouldn't do in real life.
Don't let anyone tell you what is right and what is wrong when it comes to your
desires, wants, and needs.
Develop a support system. Find people that you trust, that you can go to with
questions, or if you just need to talk.
Communication is key.
Don't assume that your Dom/me knows everything about the lifestyle. Empower
yourself.
From The Englishman:
If you wouldn't have a drink with someone, don't let them hit you.
Don't pretend to know what you don't.
Ask questions.
Try to watch the dom you're thinking of playing with, play with someone else first.
Is this what you really want?
Find the most experienced person you can to play with.
Talk with them, develop a rapport with them.
Always use safe words.
Start slow and build.
Be honest with yourself.
Read, do research, Watch learn listen.
From imp:
(imp's contribution as he went on his journey from v/t to r/t.)
patience is a virtue.
be honest, not only with your prospective Top, but with yourself.
while a sub should not speak out of turn, they should still speak to be heard regarding
concerns, worries, thoughts, ideas.
pushing limits is fine, just don't push too fast or too hard, it's a game, not a race, so
enjoy it.
be respectful....not only of Tops and Dom/mes...but of senior subs, they can be a
wealth of information.
how NOT to talk to a Top, "ouch, that really fucking hurt, You bastard"...is not a
safeword, playing a joke, or saying red to a Top during a scene...is not really that
funny...
eagerness to serve is great....just make sure you get all the instructions before running
off half-cocked.
most importantly....if you don't know....ask...None will punish you for asking, but
They will punish you for guessing.
never assume, always...always...ask.
From Alabaster Femme:
Most important thing for a new sub....
IMHO, it's clarity. Make sure you understand everything well, before giving consent
and that the questions that you ask are answered to your satisfaction. If they aren't,
keep asking or leave.
For a Dom, I'd say the same thing.
Clarity w/ objective, to take the time to probe and ask and probe again and again, to get
a clear understanding and to be open to reading between the lines.
From Capt Jack:
Take your time!
Don't rush things, let nature take its own course and develop at its own rate. If a
Dom/me isn't asking for a safeword, or is trying to collar you in the first few
weeks...run away very fast...take slow and take your time.
From Esmerelda:
Do your homework.
Learn your own needs instead of expecting a Dom to know everything for you.
From The Advocate:
Mine is simple....the same they will hear from M/many......
be cautious and take your time.
How does one know if it is the "real deal"? O/one never knows......that is a judgement
call.......they should take the time to know the Person they are dealing with.......check
references if available......and then make the judgment call based on what they deem
"the real deal."
From Poppybrat:
be a good submissive, attentive, willing to learn (which should go along with wanting to
please and serve imho), but don't ever be a doormat, good submissives will always
keep their strength, and their sense of who they are, and in a way, what they want, it
helps the union of one with One, i think.
From gentleminx:
Know yourself and know your limits. and, if something does not "feel" right.. stop. Ask
questions. If you are with someone on the "up and up" you will get good answers and
if you both wish to can pick up the scene where you left off.
From Dornic:
Being submissive to a dominant is a relationship. It is not a game. It is not a temporary
play session. It is a situation where people commit and can get hurt physically and
especially emotionally.
So, for submissives, question.
Question everything.
I would suggest finding out everything you can about your new potential partner,
whether you are v/t or r/t.
Find out things that you would find out in any relationship.
Find out what he is really like.
Check if he tells the truth.
Check if he ducks answers.
Initially question his motives, his responses, his rationale, his own sense of who and
what he is.
Don't confuse being dominant with being arrogant or supercilious or being domineering
and intimidating. (Sometimes this will make you feel silly, even stupid. It's also hard
work. It's far easier to say, "well, he wouldn't lie about that," and roll with the punches.)
Most importantly, don't overlook those little tiny white lies and exaggerations. Again,
it's easy to do, particularly when the dominant is behaving as you would expect him to,
as you want him to. But those little transgressions can add up if looked at in totality.
If he lies, ask why. If there's no satisfactory answer, then hoist the red flag.
Do all this from a sense of being your own best defense.
If it does not suit you, then do not do it.
Always remember that it's far easier getting out at the beginning than having to
overcome the emotional turmoil at some later stage.
In addition, you may also have to overcome the perception that you look like a fool if
you continue and then have to run later.
And a word of caution... don't give him any information unless you both feel
comfortable and you have at a minimum the same information from him.
Note from ~CC~:
Dornic also had some questions to ask a potential dominant partner .. but it also works
both ways. Please DO assume it works for both genders as well .. we KNOW that not
all Doms are men or that all submissives are not women!
Questions to ask a potential dominant partner...
Usual stuff:
Age, name, telephone numbers, place of work, earnings.
copy of driver's license, etc., all with supporting documents...
Also... What TV shows does he like? What sports does he like? What food does he
like?
Does he like the outdoors, gardening, coffee, jeans or suits, hot or cold weather, pets,
driving, washing dishes, talking, candlelight dinners, is he religious, where would he like
to live in the world, what's his opinion about taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn,
can he use a hammer, does he like shopping, can he do laundry, what's his biggest
mistake in life, does he act first and think later, how many times a day does he laugh,
soft toothbrush or hard, does he always put the toilet seat down, how many credit
cards does he have, who is his favorite relative, does he have any allergies?
In short, find out about him, the person. If you don't like the person, then ultimately
you won't like the dominant.
Once you've decided if you like the person, then look at the dominant.
Ask his experience in specifics:
If he says he likes flogging, ask him to describe it. If he says he likes water sports, ask
him to describe it. If he says he loves to use a cane, ask him to describe it. Get the
picture?
Ask him his opinion about punishment, discipline, training, safewords. Ask where he
was trained. Ask who he has seen do what. Ask what he learned and from whom. Ask
for references if he says he has experience before you. If he says he is known in the
local scene, then ask who would know him. Ask him to wait before you give your
information and see what his reaction is.
From CC:
The submissive should take a good look at her/himself
KNOW yourself. Your wants, needs, desires, values . . .
DO NOT COMPROMISE YOURSELF - you have to wake up with you for the rest
of your life.
DETERMINE your basic limits (those can and often do change).
UNDERSTAND that not everyone has "power" to give. You have to be in the right
place to emotionally and physically to do so.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your own well-being and protection. (That means not
only your physical self in a scene, or your mental well-being in a relationship . . . it
means taking the time to go through all the steps for safe calls, and LEARNING as
much as you can about the lifestyle that you are exploring.)
LEARN AND UNDERSTAND the difference between FANTASY AND REALITY -
They are not the same thing. I don't know a person alive that is 24/7 anything!
CHECK THINGS OUT FOR YOURSELF and be self-aware.
Do a REALITY CHECK - watch what people do. Do they give lip service and not
follow through?
BE HONEST not only with your potential partner, but, most of all, yourself.
LISTEN TO OTHERS, weigh their words, then make and "informed choice".
REMEMBER - Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) means different things to different
people. KNOW what your partner means. What is RIGHT FOR SOMEONE may not
be "RIGHT FOR YOU".
HAVE and RESPECT SAFEWORDS (even if you "KNOW" you will NEVER need
them).
RESPECT the rights of others to have differing opinions . . . ALL have something to
teach and all have something to learn.
Submissives also have to be responsible for their safety as well. IF a Dom/me does not
give a safe word . . either don't play with him/her or ask for one. KNOW that they will
honor it. If you have, you are playing with someone you don't know well . . it may be
good to have a friend of yours watch out for you as you play. SO much better to be
cautious than injured or worse.
From lilith:
Watch for his posting to many submissives in the room. He will not honor collars of
your sisters and brothers. If the player has been around long enough he may have
learned the vernacular and may honor those in collar, but will still try to engage all
uncollared subs in conversation.
He will engage you in conversation that will be personal too soon - like the second post.
He needs to scope out the score quickly. He will not take the time to get to know you
before he begins asking you personal questions. He will request that your posts are in
private only, wanting to hide what he is doing from the Dom's in the room who look
out for a girls safety.
He will pick up on certain signals that a submissive may unknowingly let out in the first
conversation. Examples are: "i am new to this room or to BDSM"... he will
immediately know that you are not familiar with what a Dom should be.
He will listen closely to what a submissive has to say and seem to be able to pick up on
women who are 'needy' or 'searching too hard'. The anonymity of the net allows for
personal sharing of information quickly between strangers. Women are quick to share
personal nformation with others. If a woman posts to him such statements as: "i have
been divorced for two years and have not dated since then," or "i am interested in the
BDSM lifestyle but have not experienced it in real time," or "my husband does not
understand how i can be interested in BDSM," all these are signs that you are 'needy'
or 'searching too hard'.
He may be wise enough not to offer a collar too quickly but will give a girl a directive
just to assess if she is pliable and able to manipulate quickly. Examples may be:
ordering in a subtle way that the sub e-mail him at a certain time, asking her to meet
him at a time that is not convenient for her, asking her to skip an appointment to meet
him, or making a second date to meet online with her before the first encounter is
complete.
He will seem "oh so right for you." This is because they are very good listeners and
they pick up on your needs and seem to be able to meet all of them quickly. In a
conversation, players ask more questions then they answer, and will form their answers
from your statements, therefore, seeming to be just what you are looking for.
He will change his name and maybe yours so that you will be a "couple" in the room.
Players need to romance more than one sub at a time to fulfill their needs. you will like
this being a couple in the room without knowing that what he is doing is hiding from his
others.
He will ask you to meet him in an empty room. This is so you can "spend all your time
with him as he so wants to get to know you." Really this allows him to romance you
without others knowing about it.
A player will roam from room to room and is more than likely not known by the other
members of the room. If a submissive was to ask one of the rooms Master's who this
man is most will not know him. He does not want to be known by Others.
A player will discourage you from telling others about him. He will share what you feel
is enough information but will not give you information that can be checked out by
others.
A player may make unusual demands on you quickly. Asking you to call him, instead
of him calling you. Asking to see your picture (knowing that many have nude photos of
themselves), telling you that he needs to know what you like and therefore would like
to cyber or have phone sex with you quickly. Remember players are out to get their
needs met not to meet yours.
A player will go through many women in the course of a few months. You will not
know this about most players because they are hiding that side of themselves from you,
but some are stupid enough to let it be known, bragging about what they have done or
who they have pleased.
A player may say that he is available to meet you as soon as something is done, ie:
when he comes to your town for a work assignment, or when he will be at a hotel for
work-related events and want you to meet them there. Knowing that you are looking
for a real time relationship, he will continually tell you that he is available for real time,
but will never come through with the meeting as he has no intention of doing it and will
inevitably dump you before the meeting is to take place.
From tilted halo:
Stay informed ~Stay healthy
If you're pushed to play right away, there's a better chance of them not respecting your
limits later.
Although i feel like i've been around along time, and in fact, have done some things..
When i'm asked what do i like? It's hard for me to pin point it.
So i'm honest and say "well, i don't think i've done enough to really know what i like
and what i don't because there are still some things i have not done".... Would i do
them ? More then likely, will i enjoy them? Probably so! I know I am a masochist and
it's really the position of being, that I enjoy most. And in that moment i am more then
willing to cross lines i may have thought extreme in my head....before.~
So definitely worth the ground work to find out more and be comfortable and be able
to trust the D~ i'm with-- doing what we do. Also munches are a great "networking"
idea.... people get to know you.
Personally and you can ask people about others as well.... People should be able to
give you a personal reference, for both Tops and bottoms~ ask to talk w/ someone
personally not just a cyber reference or hear say.... I know everyone thinks their red
light meter is in infallible overload but, in some cases, it really does fail you.
And better ask all the questions and get the right answers for the precaution that it does
not.... And not to forget my brother submissive either just cause you are 6'3 and 200
some odd pounds makes you just as vulnerable when restrained ....and at the mercy of
another person.
It's wise to know the person you allow to put you in that position fairly well, for all the
obvious reasoning and safety concerns. Also safe calls..... someone who knows where
you are going, what time you will be back, and can be there if you in fact need them to
be, even better yet if it's early meeting bring a friend. I do go and meet people and my
mom always asks for the number and a address. So she knows where to start looking
for a body.... ~ jokingly but, i do get that info to her and i do have my cell where I do
keep in touch.. Figure mom is the best way to go as friends may be too busy ....w/
their everyday.
So far.... everything has been well... but, i am responsible for MY well being.... So i
take steps to make it so. Besides all of that.. i'm one of the terrible people who think
that I can find the one who can be filling your heart with joy.... be your best friend,
lover, partner and spank you wildly......all the while keeping your relationship first and
the kink an arm's reach away. but, in the mean time....... learning to walk before i
fly......*~