~ I Said, You Heard ~
by CC Copyright © 2003
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I'm sure you've heard this many times and many ways. However I think
that old things can bare revisiting just to keep one's self self-aware.
"I said, you heard". "You said, I heard". The two previous statements can
be mirror images. However more often than not people are not always
looking in the same mirror. The result is that what is being said by the
"sayer" and heard and understood by the "hearer" can result in
monumental misunderstandings.
In any walk of life good communication skills are important. The most
successful relationships have learned the skills to establish good lines of
communication. Communication is not just about collecting your thoughts
and being able to articulate those thoughts. Communication is an
interactive function that requires the receiver to process and understand
the imparted information.
Taking the original two statements: 1) I said, you heard and 2) you said, I
heard, one step further is equally important. That step takes 'I said, you
heard' to 'I said, I meant'. Let me give you an example: For instance what
if I tell a submissive I want them to bring me a cup of coffee, do the
laundry, make lunch, and clean the bathroom? What have I really
instructed? I have indeed given four tasks right? What if the submissive
cleans the bathroom, does the laundry, makes lunch and then brings me
coffee? Did they do everything I asked? Yes, they did. However I really
wanted them to bring me my cuppa coffee, THEN start the laundry, once
that was started to get lunch done and THEN clean the bathroom.
If they did not do it the way I listed it but did it all were they right? Yes!
Was it the way I wanted it done? No! There were a couple other steps that
could have been taken so that I got what I wanted was what they gave and
was received with appreciation rather than irritation. 1) IF I wanted
something done in a specific order I could have said made that clear 2) The
submissive, if unsure, could have asked for clarification.
From my personal point of view it can be a toss up: In the beginning of a
relationship there is no doubt a learning curve for both Dominant and
submissive alike. There is a time where expectations and patters are
learned. After a period of time people learn what to expect from partners.
As new things are added one may once again have to revisit expectations,
instructions as well as ensuring continuity of "what I said & what I meant"
is indeed "what is heard".
Now going back to the task example: I WANTED my cuppa coffee first,
when that was taken care of the laundry could have been started. Once
that was started then lunch could have been fixed and served finishing with
cleaning the bathroom. To me that is a common sense order in my mind but
I did not share my thoughts that left the submissive "floating" without
direction. Until I have specifically addressed how and when I want those
tasks accomplished then I may need to reassess how I communicate my
instructions. ie "please bring me my coffee, get the laundry started, fix
lunch and join me, then finish up with cleaning the bathroom". In this case I
have specifically given direction that would result in my instruction being
followed, the submissive happily serving with both of our "needs" being
successfully met.
Note addressing positive relationships: Intentional failure to provide
instruction and direction is acting in a manner that sets up a scenario of
failure. Good relationships are not built from exclusively negative
examples even though they too can be learning opportunities.
A lack of good communication skills is where many relationships fall into a
state of flux. Misunderstandings, feelings of hurt and insecurity can also be
rooted in the "unknown" of bad communication. It is important to keep the
lines of communication on the same channel ensuring that "what I said,
what you heard" is the same thing. The old technique of "mirroring" or
"reframing" to ensure one is understood is a great way to get those lines of
communication going. Ask your submissive to tell you what you said or as a
submissive reframe what was said in your own words and ask your
dominant if that is what they meant. It helps you to better tune into each
other. While this technique is great for new relationships it is also helpful in
relationships that are advanced and may have fallen out of being "in tune"
with each other. It can be an excellent way to "tune back in".
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By CC © 2003
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