Years ago I got a real surprise when we decided to do a CDG program on safewords. It seemed pretty much like the person doing the program was going to be preaching to a choir and I was seriously wondering about how the hell she was going to fill up about 45 minutes of talk followed by a half hour of discussion.
Hoo Ha!!!! Was I ever wrong!
We learned real super fast that safewords were by no means universally used or even desired. In fact, about half of the over 100 people at the meeting were against them and a goodly number pointed out with great pride that they never used them. What was going to be a real snorer of a meeting turned into a fascinating eye- opener. We learned real fast that our assumptions were wrong.
The problem with safewords is that they are not the guarantor of safety that their user. The only thing, in the end, that can guarantee that safety is the integrity of the top and if he has a garage filled with blue 55 gallon drums it is a good bet he isn’t into safety. What the safeword does is, in theory, give an out to the bottom if something is not working right. But there are real weaknesses in that system that have to be considered.
First, a novice bottom may not be able to remember even as simple a safeword as “red” if the scene gets too intense.
Second, the bottom may go so deep into space that she becomes unable to articulate anything, much less a safeword.
Third, the bottom may decide to prove something to herself and refuse to safeword even as she is being turned into goo.
Fourth, the top may make the mistake of assuming that a safeword absolves him of responsibility for the well- being of the sub. Not hearing a safeword does necessarily mean the scene is going well. And refusing to stop in spite of hearing plain English because a safeword is not used is just plain dumb.
And there are scenes where a safeword, if used, is going to be too late. For example, if I’m playing with Donna and she shouts, “RED,” I may look at my blade and say, “Yes, it is,” and then pass out. A safeword in any scene involving a chainsaw, a blowtorch or submachine gun is probably superfluous. Besides, you can’t hear them over the noise of the chainsaw or machine gun anyway. Believe me, I know!
There is nothing wrong with safewords in and of themselves and I have no problem with using them, but they are no substitute for the top knowing what he is doing and failing to recognize that merely turns the safeword into an excuse for incompetence or a refusal to know what is going on in the mind of the bottom. No, we are not mind-readers, but we are certainly intelligent enough to see the clues if something needs to be changed, or stopped. I won’t refuse to play with a sub who has them, but I won’t let her lack of using them override my own judgement.
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