~Overcoming Shyness ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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If you’re shy, you know the discomfort such bashfulness can bring. When you must step out of the
shadows and speak up, you may experience a racing heart, dry mouth, and butterflies in the stomach.
What others seem to take for granted can become a miserable experience for you.
All sorts of social situations can trigger a bout of self-conscious shyness. Some people find themselves
not speaking up for themselves at work. Others find it makes them anxious to introduce themselves to
others at a bar or the gym. Or they avoid social situations all together, becoming isolated at home. And
more people fear public speaking engagements than fear snakes or spiders.
All of us find ourselves a little shy at times, especially if we’re introverted by nature. But when the
problem starts to really interfere with the enjoyment of day-to-day life, therapists talk about the problem
as social anxiety. Well-meaning friends may tell us to get over it, buck up and "just do it" when faced with
a situation that causes us embarrassment. Sometimes that works, but often it’s too simple an answer. If
we’re not prepared, we may put ourselves in a situation where we’re overwhelmed with anxiety, only to
find that all our self-doubts rise up like dragons and overwhelm us.
For shy people, the problem is often a high level of self-consciousness – particularly around negative
thoughts. We act like everyone is looking at us. Or the chatter in our heads becomes a flood of
negativity. "No one would be interested in what I have to say." "If I introduce myself to him, I’ll probably
forget his name right away." "What’s the point of starting up a conversation with him when I’ll just look
stupid?" These critical voices are like a Greek chorus of discouragement in our heads. The anxiety they
provoke may be so great that we’ll even lie to friends to avoid accepting social invitations where we feel
we’ll fail ourselves.
Another trap is over-scrutinizing our own words, thoughts and behaviors. If we fear embarrassment we
may end up waiting until the perfect moment when we’ll know just what to do or say…then we watch
opportunity after opportunity simply slip away as we sit in the background, analyzing. The right moment
never comes. We’re paralyzed.
Some single people find themselves especially shy in social situations that are the opening gambits in
the intimacy game. They long for a relationship but fear they are clueless about how to find a guy and
start the process.
In the 21st century we’re finding that there’s a pill for just about everything, and shyness is no exception.
It’s true that some social anxiety can be helped by the selective use of medication, especially if the
anxiety has become debilitating. But many of those medications cause other troubles, including the host
of problems that are dismissed as "possible sexual side effects" in the ads for them on television. For
most people the answer to shyness isn’t an antidepressant. The answer is gaining greater self-
knowledge and mastering new skills to become more comfortable in social situations.
For some single people, the rush to date might best be put on hold for a little while so they can master
some of the social skills that make friendships and other intimate relationships more rewarding.
Next time we’ll look at how to master some of the skills needed to master meaningful relationships.
Remember, you’re more than your problem with shyness. When you learn to let your real self out you
will find you can enjoy life in new ways.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication in
any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.