~ Strengthening Your Conversational Skills ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Introducing ourselves and speaking to people we don’t already know is difficult for shy folks. They’ve
learned to fear rejection. They are overwhelmed by a sense of awkwardness and don’t know what to do.
That anxiety can be so paralyzing that these men and women avoid trying anything new or speaking to
people they don’t already know. Their fear of rejection makes their world smaller.
Rejection isn’t fatal, no matter how uncomfortable it might seem at the time. The problem is often what
therapists call "catastrophic thinking" – a belief that it would be unbearably awful if rejection occurred.
But is being turned down for a job or a date really lethal? Of course not. The consequences are far
worse if you choose to take yourself out of the social game because you’re terrified of being turned
down.
If you’re afraid of rejection – and most people are – why not practice getting really good at it? Realize
that each rejection means that you’re succeeding in extending yourself and doing something
challenging. Each time you experience it you’re actually getting closer to your goal of expanding your
circle of friends, of getting that job that you want, of meeting your goals and succeeding in life.
Tolerating a little rejection is a small price to pay for getting more of what you want in your life.
If you’re not doing well at meeting people in your current routine, try changing things. Too many people
rely on the usual standbys – bars and the gym – for meeting people and striking up conversation. Try
joining a club or organization, where you’ll find more things in common that can be conversation starters.
Or get a cute dog and head to Piedmont Park on a sunny afternoon!
When there’s an opening (you walk up to someone, or there’s a lull in the conversation near where you
are, etc.) take a deep breath, introduce yourself, make eye contact, smile and shake hands. Repeating
the person’s name back to them can help you remember it, especially if you’re slowing down and paying
attention.
Shy people often start worrying about whether they will "do it right" when they are speaking with
someone, rather than simply paying attention and being in the moment. One powerful way to move past
your shyness is to keep focusing on stuff other than yourself. Concentrate when someone answers you.
Remember what they say so you can ask a question about it later. Let yourself find the other person
interesting, which will make you more interesting to them. (If you have trouble thinking on your feet, think
of some possible questions to ask ahead of time.)
When you’re speaking, notice the pronouns you use. Self-conscious people often use the word "I" a lot,
and that can stop or block conversation. Smiling and conveying interest in the other person ("So what
did you think of…?") keeps the conversation going and makes you seem less self-centered.
Offer an opinion if you want to deepen the conversation, or ask the other person for their opinion.
Remember to really listen to the other person. Focusing helps to lessen the anxiety and the distraction
of self-consciousness. It helps keep the conversation going and makes a good impression.
Do you enjoy the person’s company and feel that interest coming back at you? Great. Consider
suggesting meeting some other time for coffee or lunch. Offer your phone number; if you get the other
guy’s, use it. If he doesn’t offer his phone number, don’t despair. You’re doing what you need to do to
meet the kind of people you want to meet. Evidently this just wasn’t the one. In training yourself to be
more outgoing, you’re going to get what you want.
All this gets much easier with practice. Being successful in doing what you set out to do will make you
more comfortable. You’ll find that socializing becomes easier and your shyness will no longer run your
life.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication in
any form without express written consent of the author is copyright infringement.