~ Book Review: Ten Smart Things ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
Book Review:
Ten smart things gay men can do to improve their lives, by Joe Kort, ACSW
Sometimes it’s tough being a psychotherapist. We sometimes listen and watch while clients do
things we don’t think reflect very good choices, but it doesn’t usually work to tell clients what to
do as if we were their parents. Instead we try to help them find their own ways to make their
lives better. Joe Kort, a psychotherapist in Detroit, no doubt wrote Ten Smart Things Gay Men
Can Do To Improve Their Lives to do exactly that.
Ten Smart Things reflects the distilled wisdom of years of working with people who are hurting.
So what are the “ten smart things,” anyway? Here’s the list:
1. Take responsibility for your own life.
2. Affirm yourself by coming out.
3. Resolve issues with your family.
4. Graduate from eternal adolescence.
5. Avoid (or overcome) sexual addiction.
6. Learn from successful mentors who’ve been there, done that.
7. Take advantage of therapy “workouts.”
8. Maintain rewarding relationships.
9. Understand the stages of love.
10. Commit to a partner.
A commendable list, and doing these things will indeed make your life better. As someone who
grew up and came out in another large midwestern city (St. Louis), I found myself wondering
how much Kort’s geographic location affected his list. The Midwest is a conservative region
where being different isn’t easy. Much of his book points toward the challenge gay men face
around coming out and forming healthy identities in a homophobic culture. For that reason, I
think Ten Smart Things is most useful for men who are early in the process of coming out or who
are struggling with owning their gay identity.
Kort is an accomplished relationship therapist, and the sections of his book that deal with love,
intimacy and relationships reflect his warmth and wisdom. Our early relationships with family
and friends have an enormous impact on how we approach intimacy later in life. Readers will
find this a useful introduction in understanding how issues show up in adult relationships. The
realistic, heart-centered information about dating and coupling found in this book is quite
constructive.
I do not share the author’s comfort with the term “sexual addiction.” His exploration of the ways
compulsive behavior can impact our lives is of use, but his examples don’t reflect the dilemmas
contemporary gay men face every day. For most of our community, compulsive cruising is less
of an issue than making responsible decisions about bareback sex, partying and the whole
circuit scene. For every gay man risking arrest in a park or rest stop, I suspect there are a
thousand men struggling with why they can’t count on themselves to use condoms when having
sex. Too many gay men have problems that stem from having sex under the influence of crystal,
ecstasy and other party drugs. I wish the book included more words addressing those issues.
I like Kort’s idea of a relatively short list with a relatively big impact; like the book itself, it’s clear
and concise. What would I have on my own list of things that would improve the lives of gay
men?
1. Rein in your use of drugs and alcohol.
2. Nurture a healthy spirituality that supports you.
3. Let your sexuality reflect genuine self-love.
4. Develop social network that isn’t too dependent on bars and clubs.
5. Understand peer pressure and learn to make your own decisions.
6. Cultivate a realistic relationship with your body and with aging.
7. Give something back to the LGBT community.
Ten Smart Things does what it sets out to do – make a useful contribution to our community’s
emotional and mental health. I recommend it to men who are working through issues of self-
acceptance, coming out and intimacy.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication in
any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.