~ What Makes a Man Sexy ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
Our culture values sexiness very highly. But what is sexiness? A visitor from another planet who
looked at our advertising might think it was something you get from purchasing products like
cars, colognes or cognac. Everyone wants it, but it is hard to define. What makes a man sexy?
The sexiness we’re talking about here is more than a matter of firm pecs and washboard abs.
Physical characteristics are part of the equation, but far from the whole answer. Otherwise, how
could men as different as Brad Pitt and Donald Rumsfeld both be described in the media as
“sexy?”
Different people find different things sexually attractive, of course; sexy is a matter of personal
taste. And what’s sexy to you when you are out dancing and looking for Mr. Right Now may be
very different from what you would find sexy in Mr. Right. A bad boy with broad shoulders and a
cute butt may get your attention at a club when you’re looking for a hookup. If you’re serious
about dating, sexy eyes may be less arousing than clues that the guy in question might make a
decent husband.
So what’s sexy: Here are some key ingredients:
Self-acceptance is fundamentally sexy in just about anyone. For gay men, that includes being
comfortable with your sexual orientation. It means being able to be yourself; after all, who is
better qualified for the job?
Self-confidence that allows you to take the initiative is something most people think of as
masculine and appealing. Lots of people feel shy about approaching a stranger in a bar or
starting up a conversation in a public place. They are relieved when someone else does that
chore for them. And being able to look someone in the eye when you are speaking with them
communicates a lot of positive things in our culture.
Similarly, a bit of sexual aggressiveness can be very appealing. That’s primarily true if
you’ve picked up on signals that the other person is receptive to an advance and if you make
your move with some subtlety and style.
Being able to truly listen to the other person and carry on a conversation communicates
an ability to create emotional safety. If someone can share that kind of intimacy with you, it’s
much easier for them to imagine being physically intimate as well. That’s also why paying
attention to the other person’s needs and desires is so sexy. Candlelight helps!
Taking care of your physical self is an important part of sexiness, but not as much as you
might imagine. Grooming is important, but physical perfection is far less crucial than being at
home in your body. (It’s that self-acceptance thing again.) If you seem alive, relaxed and free,
your body is going to have some appeal.
So what’s not sexy? The list could be long, but the sexy list gives us some clues:
* Trying to be someone else, rather than yourself. Being closeted about being gay is very
unsexy.
* Narcissism – always talking about yourself, for instance – is different from self-confidence;
it’s boring and irritating.
* Perfectionism and criticism, whether aimed at yourself or at others, is certainly not going to
make someone feel comfortable and safe around you. Definitely not sexy.
* Being so aggressive that you don’t know when to back off or take “No” for an answer makes
you a jerk, not a sexy man.
Sexiness can’t be bought in a bottle or a shirt. It can, however, be cultivated.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication in
any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.