~ Families ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
Whether we are single or in a relationship, all of us need connection with other human beings in order to
thrive. We are relational creatures. These relationships take all sorts of forms: lovers, acquaintances
and coworkers. Friends often form a “chosen family” for gay men and lesbian women – a social network
that supports us emotionally and often with practical help when we need them. In fact, we live within a
web of connections and relationships.
Among all the sorts of relationships we may have, familial relationships stand out. They are our first
relationships, and they are literally primal – for better or worse, our families shape us in unique ways
and make an important contribution to who we are as adults. The relationships of gay men and our
families are as complex and individual as we are.
Imagine the relationships of our rural ancestors a hundred or two hundred years ago. Living miles away
from their nearest neighbor, a husband and wife might depend on one another for almost all their
needs. The family unit supplied the labor for the farm and most of the social contact. Other than trips to
town or church that might be for social contact as much as commercial or spiritual purposes, virtually all
interpersonal needs would be met (or left unmet) by the family unit.
Life today is very different, although the family unit is still enshrined in popular mythology as the place
where are needs are to be met. This creates enormous pressures and expectations, and we can feel
miserable when those pressures grow too great or the expectations go unmet.
Our relationships with biological family carry a host of hopes, expectations and fears. Several years ago
I dated a man who was estranged from his parents and who hadn’t spoken with them in years. He had
successfully worked through the enormous disappointment and heartache this caused him.
Nevertheless, when a woman called and left a message to tell him that “Mother” had called, I could see
my friend’s heart leap with expectation, only to be dashed when he found that a friend was playing a
joke.
Even when parents have been generally positive influences in our lives, it is often necessary to cut the
strings for one reason or another in order to become who we truly are. In this sense, gay men are not
different from others.
Our experience is unlike that of others in some important ways, though. Members of other minority
groups may face similar pressures from society, but they are mostly born into supportive families.
African-American kids usually have African-American parents they can find support and encouragement
from when they confront racial bigotry, for instance. Gay folks face something different: not only are
our families of origin usually heterosexual and naïve about our experiences, but also all too often, they
are one place where we confront the most painful prejudice of all.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication in
any form