~ Gay Men/Straight Women ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Is there a natural attraction between gay men and straight women? A lot of people think so. Look at
popular images: “Will and Grace” on television or Roseanne’s rather unflattering comment a few years
back that “without gay men, who would dance with all the fat women?” The reality goes way beyond
that; many gay guys count straight women among their confidants and best friends and vice versa. So
what’s this all about?
From the perspective of gay men, women offer intimate friendship that is generally free from the
complications of sexual interest. Other gay men are potential boyfriends, and that can complicate
potential friendship. Straight guys can give mixed signals and turn into objects of unrequited love.
Friendships with women can be simpler and free from that tension – at least from the men’s side of the
equation.
And while gay men and straight women may not be romantically made for each other, they share a
common romantic interest: men. Whether it’s recounting the foibles of dating or sharing erotic advice,
there’s a common interest.
For straight women, gay men offer male friendship that’s free from game playing. Women can relax and
be themselves with gay men in a way that’s usually not possible with hetero men. That’s especially true
for women who may have strong, confident personalities, or who may not fit the conventional paradigm
of female beauty. Characteristics that intimidate some straight men may be highly appealing for gay
men.
Friendships between gay men and straight women can be wonderful – as long as all parties involved are
clear about the situation and not using friendship as a way of avoiding the risks of deeper intimacy. Gay
men whose friends are predominantly women (or straight men, for that matter) may be avoiding
situations where they are likely to be end up in a primary relationship. Gay men who socialize with
women as a way of passing for heterosexual are using women to remain in the closet. Warning, closet
cases: this generates really, really bad karma!
What about women who form romantic attachments to gay men? If the men in question are known to be
gay, then any romance exists only in fantasyland. Gay men may look appealing as friends, but a gay
guy is never going to be genuinely available for a committed relationship with someone other than a
man.
Some women find that they’ve dated – or even married – men who turned out to be closeted gay men.
That can surprise women who believe popular stereotypes and expect gay men to be easy to spot.
These women may be attracted to the lack of pressure they experience from someone who’s not that
interested in heterosexual sex; while some gay men may have sex with women if they are sufficiently
motivated, most aren’t very interested in it. In fact, gay men may look like “perfect gentlemen,” more
interested in a woman’s mind than her body, and that can be both appealing and confusing to women
seeking male companionship. That’s especially true because society’s heterosexism causes people to
naively assume that everyone we meet is straight until proven otherwise. It may not even occur to some
women that their perfect gentleman is gay as a goose. And in both friendships and dating relationships,
clear communication is important to keep expectations clear and to avoid making assumptions.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication in
any form