~ Perfectionism ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
A lot of us have a streak of perfectionism. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. What’s sometimes called
“normal” perfectionism means taking pride in what you do, especially when doing something
challenging.
Serious perfectionism can become really troublesome, eating away at our self-worth and leaving us
disappointed and unhappy. It becomes a problem when our thoughts and conversations are full of
words like “should” and “have to.” Little wonder that guilt and shame often shadow the perfectionist’s
life. As children, they may have brought home a report card with lots of A’s…only to have Mom or Dad
interrogate them about the lone B on the report and ask why they didn’t try harder. Nothing was ever
quite good enough.
That’s a rough way to live. It takes a toll on self-esteem and happiness and often means we’re never
truly satisfied with our accomplishments, even if we’ve done something very well. The fear of failure can
turn perfectionists into procrastinators who are afraid to start a project they may not finish flawlessly.
It would be one thing if perfectionists only judged themselves harshly, but they often feel the same
sense of judgment towards others. That can make them rigid and opinionated about the smallest
things. And that makes life with them difficult. At their worst, perfectionists may ruin relationships by
trying to prove they are right all the time. “Don’t sweat the small stuff” is an alien thought for these
folks. As a result, they sometimes drive others crazy.
Perfectionism often sabotages progress in life. There is a saying that the perfect is the enemy of the
good – that is, that in striving to be flawless, we can overlook opportunities to take a step forward that
moves us towards our goal. In exercise and diet, missing one day at the gym can lead to feeling “What’s
the use? I’ve blown it.” Giving in to the urge for a donut results in giving up completely.
Some gay men are particularly susceptible to this way of thinking. Call it the “Best Little Boy in The
World” syndrome, an urge to magically overcome imaginary shortcomings as boys by excelling at
everything else. We become very competitive. This is great training for becoming a critical, unhappy
person later in life.
Perfectionism is something we learn, not something we’re born with. Here are some suggestions for
unlearning perfectionism:
Learn to relax. Life is not a series of tests. Make time to enjoy yourself – maybe even doing
something imperfectly if you enjoy doing it.
Set achievable goals. If your expectations are unrealistic, you’re much more likely to fail. Focus on
what you do well, not on your imperfections. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments.
Accept yourself. No one’s perfect, and you’re going to make mistakes. Let go of unrealistic
expectations. Stop self-criticism by focusing on your strengths, not your weaknesses.
Learn from mistakes. Failure can be a powerful teacher. Too often, needing to do things perfectly
the first time means fearing trying anything new because we’re not likely to master it on the first attempt.
Give yourself credit for trying if you fail at something new, and give yourself permission to make
mistakes.
Listen to others. What could it hurt? Having mutually satisfying relationships is often much more
important than always being right.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication in
any form