~ Are You Ready For A Relationship? ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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You’ve seen the old bumper sticker: “Good girls go to heaven; bad girls go everywhere!” Is it true?
And what about good boys and bad boys?
Sometimes it seems like every single guy in the world is out there trying to find Mr. Right. (Not
everyone, of course; some guys are perfectly happy to be single, and that’s a valid choice.)
Frustrated by the search, some men hear advice like this when they complain to friends: “When you’
re really ready, he’ll show up in your life.” So how do you know when you’re ready?
Here are some signs that you’re not ready for a relationship:
* You imagine that a relationship will raise your low self-esteem;
* You look to a relationship to give your life purpose that it now lacks;
* You have very few healthy, caring relationships of any sort now, and you figure a lover is a good
place to start.
Becoming part of a couple doesn’t provide these things; instead, it requires them before you are
ready to start the relationship.
You’re also not ready for a partner if you are overwhelmed by unfinished business – especially the
business that comes from having recently broken up with someone else. These rebound
relationships are almost always a disaster. If you’ve recently left a relationship, the pull to find a new
partner can be strong. Resist the urge. You’ve got work to do first to figure out what there was for
you to learn and anything you might do differently next time. You’ve also got emotional work to do:
grieving, working through sadness or anger, whatever. It’s as if the first guy has to finish moving out
of your heart before there is space for anyone else to move in.
Some criteria for readiness are exactly the same as for anyone else interested in emotional health
and well-being. For instance, guys who are ready for relationships have a healthy sense of
themselves. They understand and respect differences and individuality, and don’t lose themselves or
overwhelm a boyfriend when they are dating. They are generally positive and realistic about life and
have basically healthy values and priorities. The way they lead their lives is consistent with those
values and priorities.
They are capable of being rational and logical. They can certainly get angry, but they do so in
healthy ways. (Unhealthy ways would include either denying anger and acting it out in a passive-
aggressive manner on the one hand, or becoming explosive and out of control on the other.)
How do you act when you’re hurt or confused? Do you become so passive and dependent that you
lose your sense of yourself, or do you express your feelings and work through them? It’s perfectly
healthy to have negative feelings sometimes. When we find ourselves becoming a prisoner to that
sort of negativity, it impairs our ability to connect well with others. We are at our best when we have
access to the whole range of our feelings.
Someone who is actively addicted to alcohol, drugs or anything else is not going to be successful in
maintaining a healthy relationship for very long. Addictions are “jealous lovers,” and won’t tolerate a
rival for long. Compulsive patterns of behavior keep us distracted from being totally present to
someone else. That just won’t work. Deal with the problem, and then go look for Mr. Right.
What about how you relate to other guys? We’ll take a look at that next time.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.