~ Can You Be Friends With Your Ex? ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Maybe – but it isn’t always easy
It’s a tough one: you’ve invested a lot in this relationship, but it hasn’t work out. There is a shared
history filled with memories, joys and troubles. One or both of you hopes you can break it off and still
remain friends. What are the odds?
Maybe you’ve seen your lesbian friends do it. A friend of mine tells a story about being at a dinner
party with her partner and realizing that she had been romantically involved with half the women
present – and her most recent ex, who hosted the party, had been involved with the other half. Some
lesbians have joked that if they didn’t have exes, they wouldn’t have any friends.
It’s not often that way with guys. Men handle intimacy differently. Making the transition from boyfriend
or partner to post-breakup friendship seems more challenging for us.
If the relationship ended with anger and resentment the men involved aren’t likely to be buddies any
time soon. If either party feels disrespected or injured genuine closeness is going to be hard to re-
establish. Friendships are based on mutual concern and concern. If either person isn’t ready to both
give and receive that respect, there’s not going to be real friendship.
Sometimes the longing to be friends is really a desire not to let go. That won’t work; being friends
requires separation first. Each former partner needs to recognize that he’s a single, independent
individual. That may mean spending time apart without seeing one another while each man processes
the feelings that go with no longer being part of a couple. If one of the two is holding on to hope for a
return to relating, a friendship is going to be painful and unhealthy.
Maybe you’ve been dating someone for a while and you sense there’s no real chemistry happening.
You decide to call it quits, but tell the other guy you’d like to continue hanging out, going to movies,
being friends. Check out your motives. Are you serious about wanting to be pals, or are you just trying
to soften the blow? Friendship is not a consolation prize. Be prepared to demonstrate your interest in
friendship – initiate the phone call, set up the plans. And recognize that it’s the other man’s call. If he
was more emotionally invested than you, it may be too uncomfortable for him to hang out with you.
Respect his decisions.
If your ex is someone you’ve been partnered with for several years rather than dating for a few weeks,
the transition to friendship can be very tricky. Friends support one another in a way that can be
painful if you have a shared romantic history. How would you feel about your former partner sharing
the news that he’s dating a wonderful guy? That’s the sort of information friends expect to
communicate, but it could take a long time before you’ll really be happy for your ex’s good luck.
If there was sexual chemistry between the two of you, those feelings may not disappear when the two
men decide to call it quits. That can lead to what is sometimes called "breakup sex" – a desire to hook
up again, either for old time’s sake or just because the sex was good. That sort of intimacy is often a
bad idea. It keeps romantic feelings stirred up. That’s going to make a friendship complicated.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.