~ Changing Your Relationship Dynamics ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
It is easy for us to get stuck in ruts in relationships. That’s true whether the relationships are dating
ones or long-term, committed ones. We human beings are creatures of habit. Often we don’t like
change much, especially if keeping things the same helps us feel safe. Many of us will choose safe-
but-boring over new-and-possibly-better any time we have the ability to make the choice.
On the other hand, we human beings also have an inborn desire to change and grow. When
something is hurting us, or we find ourselves feeling stifled or deadened, we experience something
inside of us that cries out, “There is more to life than this!” We find ourselves considering the need
for change, even if we also are anxious about it.
It is easy to confuse “unfulfilling relationship” and “stupid, inadequate partner” sometimes. Pinning
blame for your unhappiness on your boyfriend or partner seems to let you off the hook. If you find
yourself playing the same record over and over again, finding the same shortcomings in partner
after partner, it’s time to take a look at the common denominator in all those relationships: You.
(Hint: if you ever find yourself saying something like, “All gay men [insert your gripe about men
here]....,” it is definitely you!)
So the first step in creating something new is to take responsibility for your portion of creating the
situation that needs changing. This is different from self-blaming. Understand that we generally do
the best we can in life. As we grow and develop more life skills, we can learn to do even better. For
instance, the first priority for many of us as gay men was to keep ourselves emotionally safe and
protected. If you think back to your first heartbreak, you may even remember vowing never to feel
that hurt again. The problem is you can’t have true intimacy in life if your first priority remains to
defend yourself at all costs. You need to learn when it is safe to begin lowering your guard and
opening your heart.
If your typical pattern that you are the romantic who can never seem to find true love and who has
sometimes been manipulative in relationships (what I called the Pursuer in a previous column),
consider stopping your efforts to control the outcome and learn to let go. If you find feelings of fear
coming up for you, you are probably doing this right. Not returning to old patterns will be a
challenge, but you are on the right track.
Similarly, if you have always been a Distancer and kept a good bit of detachment from those who
have sought to get closer to you, your task is to open your heart and to learn to express your
desire for your partner. This opens you up to the possibility of rejection. That’s frightening for
those who have learned to be more comfortable doing the rejection! Allow yourself to feel
vulnerable. Again, the presence of uncomfortable feelings likely means you are doing this right.
In both cases, the basic fear is that we are not lovable. It is understandable that many of us will do
anything possible to avoid facing that fear. For many of us, this fear is too much to overcome on
our own. When that’s the case, individual or relationship counseling can be helpful support and
guidance in not staying stuck.
When we learn to overcome our fears and to allow ourselves to be who we truly are, relationships
offer us great potential for healing and growing, learning new skills and finding that we love and
respect ourselves.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.