~ Dating Married Men ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Anyone who expresses an opinion is likely to tell you that dating a married man is not a good idea.
So why do so many gay men have a story about how at one time or another they got involved with
a married guy?
While you might reasonably expect that the men you find in a gay bar are actually gay, that’s not
always the case. Maybe you ran into someone who was in town on business – away from his wife
and ready for a walk on what he imagines to be the wild side. Married men rarely start off by
saying, “Hey there. My name’s Tom and I’m married. Can I by you a drink?” The same is true with
cruising online. In the age of cell phones (“I’m not home much; it’s easier to reach me on at this
number”) it is easier than ever for an unsuspecting guy to find himself encountering or even dating
someone who has a wife at home.
Married men can seem alluring. Some gay men fetishize heterosexuality and imagine that straight
men – or at least men who inhabit the straight world – as more masculine than gay men. These
gay men are often disappointed.
“Family values” advocates might lead some people to think of gay men are sexual predators out
seducing hetero men. The reverse is more often the case. Married men who are struggling with
their sexuality often have a neediness about them that can seem very sexy. If they are looking for
sex outside their relationship, their hunger can look very passionate. If they are thirsty for male
companionship, they may come across as open and vulnerable in ways that are enticing. That can
look like a pretty alluring combination to many of us.
The problem with getting involved with a married man – other than interfering with someone else’s
relationship, of course – is that these men are almost always ultimately unavailable. When push
comes to shove, they will likely retreat to home and hearth, leaving their gay paramour feeling
abandoned and bereft. The gay man may imagine that they will be the one to “bring out” the
object of their affection, but this rarely happens.
Of course, the very lack of availability is exactly what makes married men attractive to some
people. They want a date or sex, but don’t actually want a relationship – even if they say they do.
Married men won’t ask much in the way of commitment; how could they? They fit the bill perfectly,
at least for a while.
This is not always the situation. There are male couples that met while one or the other of the
partners was near the end of a heterosexual relationship. The bond between them helped the
married partner through the process of separating and divorcing, and they have been together
ever since. It could happen. But keep your eyes open.
What is your sense of this man’s level of honesty and openness? How emotionally mature and
available is he? Does he keep his word with you, or do plans constantly end up changing – maybe
at the last minute? Are you able to spend enough time with him to really get a sense of who he is?
(Email messages and online chats don’t count as much as face-to-face conversation.)
Look inside; what do you really want? If what you want is a relationship, is your connection with
this man taking you closer or further away from your goal? Don’t lose yourself while pursuing
someone who may or may not be open to a relationship at some point in the future.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.