~ Desire Descrepancy ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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In the mythical land of perfect love, two partners are supposed to be hot for one another almost all
the time – or at least sexually available to each other. Some guy you just met at a bar might turn
you down, but not your lover, right?
For couples nowadays, there can be a lot of pressure to have not just a good sex life, but a great
sex life. Books abound with titles like “The Art of Sexual Ecstasy,” “Total Sex” and “Hot
Monogamy.” (And those are just some of the books on my bookshelf!) If we’re not engaged in
wildly passionate lovemaking, we suspect there is something wrong with us, or wrong with our
partner. Or maybe we’re just not right for one another, we think.
The truth is that two lovers having the same level of sex drive is almost as unlikely as winning the
lottery. In most couples one partner’s drive is higher than the other’s. Sometimes that difference
is significant. When that happens, sexologists and relationship therapists describe the situation as
one of desire discrepancy – a difference in how much the two people want sex.
Desire discrepancy isn’t unusual, but it sure can be uncomfortable for the two parties involved.
The person with more drive may feel rejected when the lower-drive partner isn’t interested in sex.
He’s not interested in me, he thinks. He doesn’t think I’m hot. Maybe he’s having an affair.
Things aren’t better for the lower-drive guy. He may feel inadequate as a lover or may question
his masculinity. What’s wrong with me, he thinks. Or he gets angry at his lover and blames him.
All he wants is sex. Why does he have to be such a pain in the ass?
Because fears about our own inadequacies can really push our buttons, the couple with a
significant desire discrepancy can get into some pretty bruising arguments – especially if the guys
involved are feeling so defensive that they can’t really hear their partner’s point of view.
Desire is controlled by several factors. One is testosterone level, which is present in both men and
women. The higher the level of testosterone, the higher the level of sex drive. There is a
considerable variation in testosterone level from person to person. Levels often decline with age.
Replacement therapy sometimes helps, but it’s controversial and may have other health effects.
Talk with your doctor about the benefits and risks before considering the new hormone therapies
available.
For most guys, the problem is not so much hormone levels as stress levels. Worry about work,
bills or the relationship itself can really take the zing out of sexuality. Too little restful sleep also
causes interest in sex to drop.
If there is a difference in sex drive within your relationship, there are several things you can do to
help. Find a way to talk about the issue without accusing one another or becoming defensive.
Speak up for yourself without pressuring your partner. Don’t accuse him of anything. Be
supportive and gentle, and affirm your love for one another and your commitment to the
relationship. Talk with one another about what you really want – and make sure that you are able
to hear your partner’s point of view. Get professional help if you need it.
Sexual intimacy is a place where we can feel uncomfortably vulnerable at times. Negotiating
through difficult spots brings a couple closer together and make sex more fun and more
meaningful.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.