~ Emotional Triggers In Relationships ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
Bob and Jim are having dinner out with friends. The wine is flowing freely; everyone is having a
good time. In fact, Bob is turning into the life of the party. He’s not drunk, just a bit louder and
more gregarious than usual. He tells a tasteless joke and everyone laughs…except Jim. Unknown
to Bob, Jim isn’t going to be speaking to him by the time they drive home. What’s going on here?
Why does something push our buttons – and why is it our partner who usually does the pushing?
Someone once said that we marry someone who will bring out the worst in us – that is, someone
with whom we ultimately feel safe enough to show our most unattractive parts.
Within each of us there is an amalgam of memories, wounds and experiences from earlier times in
our lives – a child version of ourselves, if you will. The adult aspect of us is usually in charge most
of the time, which is a good thing. Adults are better at managing problems, interacting
appropriately with other adults and generally getting their needs met. But even when he’s in
charge, this inner adult is not alone – the child persona is also part of our inner life.
When something happens that takes us out of “adult mode,” we can find ourselves in a childlike
place where we feel frightened or angry or abandoned. Counselors sometimes call these events
emotional triggers. Just like the trigger on a bomb, something sets us off and we blow up or fall
apart. And just like other triggers, emotional triggers make something happen so quickly that the
mood shifts in the blink of an eye.
In the situation at the restaurant, Bob was unaware that his mildly intoxicated behavior reminded
Jim of exactly how his alcoholic father used to behave when he was inebriated. Jim’s father would
embarrass him when he was drunk. Jim’s father wasn’t much of a parent, and he often left his son
feeling abandoned, hurt or embarrassed. This created a powerful emotional trigger hidden within
Jim.
You can guess the rest of the story. Bob’s drinking and clowning took Jim back to that place of
feeling embarrassed and fearing abandonment. His frosty reaction to Bob was out of proportion to
the nature of the offense (Bob wasn’t out of control and wasn’t driving that evening).
The temptation is to get into a big fight. (“You drink too much!” “You’re over-reacting and always
finding fault with me!”) This happens when both partners give free reign to the wounded child part
of their psyches.
Relationships provide us an opportunity to experience emotional triggers in a new way if we work
the situations through in ways we could not as children. It takes effort to keep the adult in charge.
When we resist the urge to respond out of that childish place, emotional growth is possible. We
learn that we can express our feelings and not be abandoned, for instance.
When you find yourself in this place of over-reaction, be on the lookout for your own emotional
triggers. (Don’t be eager to point out your partner’s issues while he’s angry with you; he probably
doesn’t want to feel you intellectualizing away what has made him feel something so strongly.)
Take responsibility for your part of what happened. See if you can help create a resolution that
works for both of you, then talk about the triggering nature of the event later when both of your
adults are back running things.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.