~ Expressing Anger ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Wouldn’t life be great if the only thing you ever needed to say to the person with whom you are in a
relationship was “I love you?” A quick, easy, positive message, fun to say and happily received.
Alas, life is more complicated. A relationship in which the only communication was “I love you” could
only take place between two robots -- or two individuals terrified at the thought of conflict. The
problem is, studies show that chronically avoiding conflict is the number one indicator that a
relationship will fail. Life in the real world requires us to sometimes say difficult things to those we
love.
Some men involved with New Age philosophies think of anger as negative energy that is a waste of
time. Some of us have learned that “nice boys” don’t get angry. Ever. Men who learned this lesson
growing up often feel wounded or hurt instead, and are also very uncomfortable when someone is
angry with us. We may fear being abandoned, for instance. You may want to notice your beliefs
and family patterns regarding the expression of anger.
When feelings go unexpressed they sometimes fester and express themselves in unhealthy ways
-- turning inward on ourselves, for instance, or changing into resentment towards our friend or
partner. Neither of these is a good option.
Some suggestions for handling anger in healthy ways:
• Notice when you feel angry. Sounds simple, but many of us aren't aware of what's going on
inside of us. Learn to pay attention to your feelings.
• Notice the thoughts that accompany the feeling. Are there patterns? Is your thinking sound,
or are you jumping to conclusions? A trusted friend can be valuable in sorting things through.
• When you find you are angry, talk about it as soon as is appropriate.
• Take responsibility for what you are feeling. The way to do this is to make “I” statements: “I
feel angry right now because...” rather than “You piss me off!”
• Don’t “kitchen sink” the person you are angry with; that is, don’t bring up old hurts and
angers and throw everything you’ve got at them (except for the kitchen sink!)
• Recognize that anger is a normal and healthy part of life, but don’t let it control you. If you
find yourself feeling angry all the time, seek out a trustworthy friend or a therapist.
A technique many individuals find helpful for clarifying and dealing with feelings is to write a letter
that you are not going to send. Promise yourself beforehand that under no circumstances will you
send this letter or let it be seen by the person addressed. Then put pen to paper and write down
whatever comes out -- no editing allowed. Write as long as you want; let it all out. In the event that
you find yourself thinking you really should send the letter, promise yourself that you will rewrite it
first rather than send this copy. Getting your raw feelings out this way can be very useful, but it’s
not necessarily the wisest way to communicate with someone you care about.
Acknowledging and dealing with unpleasant feelings that come up in relationships is the healthiest
and often the quickest way to get beyond them. Developing our emotional skills helps us live lives
that are happier and have relationships that are more fulfilling.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.