~ Intimacy And Masculinity ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Have you ever wondered what difference being gay makes in your relationships -- other than the
fact that you choose other men, I mean? Are gay men and gay relationships different from straight
men and straight relationships?
Unless Mom or Dad looked into your crib and said, “Oh, look! We’ve got a gay child!” you were
probably raised with the assumption that you were going to be a straight guy when you grew up.
Generalizing about sex roles is dangerous, but in general men are taught to focus on doing things,
taking action and being smart rather than on learning the language of emotions.
Think about the way heterosexual men are portrayed on television. Men in the 50s were often wise,
quiet, sweater-and-a-pipe guys (Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver). Maybe in reaction to all
that, Homer Simpson is more the model now: bumbling and fundamentally clueless, but still not
very aware of his emotions.
The traditional heterosexual view of the world -- inherited to some extent by gay folks as well -- has
usually held it that men are bread winners, women are nurturers. Men change the oil in the car;
women keep relationships well oiled.
While anti-gay religious demagogues have often suggested that gay folk are a threat to the way
society is ordered, the reality is that gay male behavior is very much like that of other men. The
difference in relationships is often that straight men need to learn something of an emotional
language if they are to relate to women, while gay men may not have anyone insisting that they sit
down and talk about their feelings.
It would be unfair to suggest that men have no language for talking about their deepest feelings
with one another. Just the same, how many men are find it easy to cry in front of another man,
even a close friend? How many men are comfortable talking about feeling down or blue, or about
feelings of love and closeness?
Without these sorts of verbal and nonverbal emotional communications, relationships can stay at a
relatively one-dimensional level. Intimacy requires us to be capable of feeling vulnerable. Many of
us learned early on that feeling vulnerable around other males can be dangerous. Intimacy also
requires us to feel safe with one another. If the way that we’ve learned to pal around with other
men is through the use of sarcasm and ironic, we are likely to find that in intimate conversation
words have sharp edges that can cut.
How comfortable are you in conversations about intimacy and emotion -- as opposed to talk about
making plans or taking action? Do you feel at a disadvantage and have a strong urge to pull back
or disappear? Do you find that when you try to talk about feelings your boyfriend or partner
withdraws or tries to change the subject?
First, understand that this sort of anxiety doesn’t mean you or your partner have some character
defect. Feeling inadequate or ashamed won’t help you get what you want. Be aware that if you are
like many men, learning to identify and talk about intimacy-related issues is a skill that may not
have been emphasized when you were growing up. Fortunately, it’s always possible to learn new
skills.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.