~ Long Distance Dating, Part 2 ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Dating is sometimes hard enough. What are the additional challenges of dating long distances?
If you’ve been carrying on contact with someone for quite a while and you find yourself getting more
and more emotionally invested in the person, it’s important to examine what’s happening. Are you
getting your needs met? Is there enough contact to really get to know one another and to enjoy
each other’s company, or are you setting yourself up with someone who may be a great guy, but who
is still unavailable for all intents and purposes?
The question of exclusively dating someone who lives far away can be a tough one. Keeping options
open means living with the anxiety that Mr. Right will meet someone whom he likes and who lives
closer to home. On the other hand, dating exclusively with someone you see infrequently can be
very frustrating. As your relationship deepens, you will need to talk openly about what works or
doesn’t work for each of you with regard to dating other people.
Truly getting to know someone means moving beyond the “mini-vacations” of romantic weekends
together. Those are important; it’s understandable that after spending time apart, two lovers would
prefer one another’s company to virtually all else. Remember: dating is not only enjoying someone,
it’s getting to know him. That means making time to spend time with their friends, find out about their
interests and pursuits (outside of bed and candlelit dinners!) and to generally form an impression of
who this guy is when he’s not on his best behavior. Make time to include others, perhaps by double
dating with his friends or yours.
If things are continuing to move in a serious direction, at some point you may want to open a
conversation about relocation – you moving to where he lives, or him moving here. This involves a
certain degree of risk. If one of you lives in a place with a vibrant economy and a large gay
community, it may be little trouble to find work and set down roots. If the plan is for one of you to
relocate someplace that feels more isolated, the decision to move may make you swallow hard.
Will one of you wait to relocate until there is a clear commitment that the two of you are now lovers?
That can mean keeping the long-distance dating thing going for quite a while until you are sure, but
better that than to rush into a relationship that is built on hope and illusions. Will relocating happen
without such a commitment, but with the understanding that being closer will allow you to get to know
one another more deeply? That’s a great situation – but also requires the mover to assume the risk
of uprooting himself only to find out that the person he’s dating ends up not being the one he hoped
he would be.
Life is not without risks. Dating someone who lives some distance away sharpens those risks and
may be too uncomfortable for some. It’s perfectly all right to decide that even though the object of
your affection is a wonderful fellow, the circumstances of dating someone living elsewhere are just
more than you can comfortably deal with. Better to be honest with yourself than to end up making a
painful and avoidable mistake.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.