~ Lost In Love ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Relationships are a dance in which sometimes one person leads and sometimes the other does. The
dance can be awkward – especially if you are first learning the steps or when you have a new dance
partner. Perhaps your partner crowds you and steps on your toes, or maybe he bobs and weaves
and makes you dizzy.
Often, however, we feel pulled in different directions at the same time. One pull is towards growing
closer to the beloved. Western religious marriage rites celebrate the idea of “the two becoming one
flesh.” The other pull is towards safety and independence, and it can be just as powerful as this urge
to merge. We fear being engulfed by the other, becoming lost in love.
Both of these urges are normal and understandable. If you had no desire to mesh with your partner,
you might as well be roommates. But healthy relationships allow each partner to maintain his identity,
distinct from the shared identity as a couple. There is a dynamic balance that allows both connection
and detachment.
We’ve all grown up with the myths about relationships that are pervasive in our culture and in the
media. Models of healthy relationships are rare. One model most of us have tucked away
somewhere inside us – for better or for worse – is the model presented by our parents. Did your
parents model a healthy blending of connection and closeness, while also permitting individuality and
distinctness?
Balance means sometimes putting your partners’ needs before your own – but not always doing so.
Your partner may need more support around some challenge in his own life, for instance, or around
a particular problem or challenge. Being supportive of each other and feeling that support back is
part of the joy of being in a relationship. But if you are always doing the supporting and rarely feel
that backing in return, it’s time to change course.
Another clue: if you find that after entering into the relationship you find that you no longer have time
for your old friends or old hobbies and activities that had great meaning for you. Or you are
constantly rearranging your schedule to accommodate the needs, or potential needs, or your
boyfriend.
Do you know your own needs and desires, or do you find yourself just going along with your partner
in everything from what to eat for dinner to what you want out of life? Knowing yourself can be
difficult, but it is not your partner’s job to give you the answers – even if you hope that he will. This
taking responsibility for yourself is for you to do.
Make some time for yourself. Find pursuits that are yours alone, as well as ones to share with your
boyfriend. Exercise, read a book, visit friends. Spending every moment with your partner isn’t
necessarily a sign of your deep love and commitment, and it can become boring! Better to find a
balance – there’s that word again – between things you do together and things you do by yourself.
Losing your identity and your sense of yourself is not a testimony to your great love for your partner.
It’s a problem, and one that can undermine a relationship. Only when you have a sense of yourself
can you truly connect with another in a healthy way.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.