~ Love And Lust ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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When Jim met Rick, he knew he was in love. They were attracted to each other as soon as their
eyes met. They danced and went home together and had sex all night. Jim and his guy have
talked on the phone three times a week – and the phone calls got hot enough each time that
before he knew it, Jim was having phone sex with the guy. Jim couldn’t remember anyone ever
turning him on as much as his new guy.
Of course, he didn’t know much about Rick. If he had taken time to talk with him, he’d have found
out that his buddy was pretty strung out the night they met. He also might have discovered the guy
had a hot temper and had been through a string of ugly relationships in the past few years. Yeah,
Rick was sexy and hot. He was also a mess. None of this was on Jim’s mind though. All he could
think about is Rick, Rick, Rick.
Love at first sight. Most people believe in it. A few people actually experience it (though only once
in a lifetime). More often people there may be a strong mutual attraction when first meeting some
new guy, but the falling in love is more gradual and takes some time.
When we’re falling in love, we experience often time differently than we ordinarily do. He’s our
reference point. The time before we were with him starts to seem fuzzier; it can seem like life has
been divided into the time before meeting him and the time after meeting him. That may seem like
an instant – sort of a romantic Big Bang theory – so that we look back on the event as love at first
sight.
You may be skeptical about love at first sight, but any gay man can tell you that lust at first sight
happens all the time.
Lust gets a bad rap as one of the seven “deadly sins,” but when love and lust exist in the same
relationship, life can be very sweet. The guy who makes your heart flutter also gives you a woody;
what more could anyone ask for? Couples without a bit of erotic hunger in their connection end up
as friends, not lovers. But if the relationship is all about sex – the only thing the two guys talk
about, the only interest they share in common – their connection is more lust than love.
Love can look a good bit like lust. Both emotions are pretty intense. We feel them in our bodies –
though not in the same body parts! Both sensations cause us to really focus on the guy, maybe to
the exclusion of everything else at times. Still, it can be confusing and painful to mistake one
emotion for the other. How do you tell the difference between love and lust?
Lovers often plan their next get together as soon as the present one ends; guys who are really
fuck buddies are more likely to call at the last minute and ask, “Can I come over?” If lovers haven’t
seen one another for a while, they are likely to spend some time talking about what’s been going
on in their lives. If it’s all about sex, then getting naked is likely to be the first (maybe only) item on
the agenda. Lovers often spend the night. If it’s lust, when the sex is over, it’s over.
If it’s love, you’re likely to feel something fluttering in your chest when you see him. If it’s all about
sex, your cock is likely to be throbbing instead of your heart.
Do you think of the two of you as two individuals, or as a couple? Do you want him to meet your
friends and family? When he does meet them, are you proud to say he’s with you or do you find
yourself eager to get the meeting over with? Is your liaison with the guy public knowledge or a big
secret? The difference between love and lust is sometimes the difference between “nobody else
matters” and “nobody else knows.”
When Jim got the flu a few months into his relationship with Rick he also got a clue. “I was really
under the weather. I couldn’t cook or get stuff from the store. I called some old friends I knew I
could count on,” he said. “Calling Rick to bring over some chicken soup would have felt like
imposing too much. Besides, I couldn’t imagine letting him see me look like something the cat
dragged in.” If he didn’t feel like Rick could be a source of support when he needed him that told
him a lot.
Lovers tend to share things with each other. Generosity is a natural impulse when you’re heart is
connected to another person’s heart. Lust is more cautious and self-interested, less likely to go
the extra mile.
When we’re getting to know someone and feeling love for him, we’re more likely to be accepting of
him. If the connection is primarily about sex, we’re more likely to find ourselves feeling critical of
them (or feeling criticized by them) when differences show up.
Is it love? Love is more than a feeling. It involves choosing to commit to the other guy, to be
mutually supportive and open. Love means choosing to share most parts of your life with one
another. It’s not about controlling or manipulating to get what you want.
The attraction may be instantaneous. If it’s love, eventually time will tell.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.