~ Making It Exclusive ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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You’ve met this guy and you’ve started to date. You like him. It’s starting to feel a little serious. You’
re getting invested in one another. This is what you’ve wanted, right? So why do you find yourself
getting so anxious all of a sudden?
Some men never date more than one person at a time; they feel it’s just too complicated to do so.
Other men like to keep their options open to keep things moving along slowly and avoid getting too
attached too fast. One choice isn’t necessarily better than another, although one or the other is
probably better for you, personally.
Getting to know someone – and allowing him to get to know you – involves a certain amount of work.
You find yourself feeling both excited and a bit vulnerable. You start to care what he thinks; if things
are going well for you, it’s likely you hope he’s feeling the same thing.
At some point the question will come up: “Should we stop dating other people?”
If you get to that point in getting to know one another, the answer is very likely to be, “Yes.” But
before you make that choice, stop and take a breath. Think about what you’re doing. What’s your
hurry?
Remember, a commitment to date exclusively isn’t a commitment to spend the rest of your life with this
man. It means no longer treating the relationship in a casual manner, but it doesn’t mean you’ve
selected each other as The One For You. What it really means is: I think you’re someone special
and I want to get to know you without being distracted by others. It’s what some people might call
moving into “going steady,” but not yet “being engaged.”
Deciding to date only one another is upping the ante between the two of you. It means closing off
some options so you can focus your attention solely on the guy you’re with. That will almost certainly
mean getting to know him better – seeing if the two of you are really compatible and if you can meet
enough of each other’s intimacy needs.
Upping the ante has consequences. Deciding too quickly to be exclusive can have the effect of
making the relationship seem more developed than it really is. If your tendency is to want to require
exclusivity after the second date, you may be rushing things – avoiding the discomfort that comes with
uncertainty. Will this one work out? Time will tell. Don’t be in too big a hurry to lose things. If you are
so anxious that he might leave you and choose someone else if he had the opportunity, pressing him
to make a commitment isn’t coming from a healthy place.
What if it doesn’t work out? Raising the stakes means that you’ve got more of your heart on the line.
If either of you decides to call it quits, it will probably hurt. But this is the time to find out – not when
the two of you have your names on a lease or a mortgage. This is a way to take care of your heart.
And what if it does work out? A period of being exclusive with one another gives you the opportunity
to begin exploring what a life together could look like, and that can be quite wonderful.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.