~ Married Men ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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More gay men have been heterosexually married at one time or another in their lives than you might
imagine. Census figures suggest that up to 96 percent of Americans are heterosexually married at
one time or another in their lives. If you assume that all always-single people are gay or lesbian (they
aren’t, but let’s be conservative here) and you assume that 5 to 10 percent of the population is same-
sex oriented, that translates into 20-60 percent of queer folk either currently or once having been
married. That’s a lot of married gay men!
Gay men get married for a variety of reasons. Some men are late bloomers who rarely gave their
sexuality a thought; one day they woke up to their same-sex attraction after years of marriage.
Others – especially those from fundamentalist religious backgrounds – hoped that marriage might
“straighten them out.” A few men always knew they were attracted to other males, but preferred the
social status heterosexuality provided.
While some homosexually oriented men decide to stay in the closet at all costs, more and more
married gay men seem to be deciding to speak honestly with their wives and acknowledge their
attraction to men. Understandably, women have strong reactions to finding out their mate has a
secret. “’So that’s it!’ I thought,” one woman told me. “All his anguish and stress makes sense now
that I know what’s been going on inside.” If their mate has been in obvious internal distress, some
women are actually relieved to find an explanation.
Women who feel they have been used or deceived by their hubby are likely to have a very different
reaction. That’s healthy for them and to be expected. The man doing the disclosure will want to take
that into account.
Some men have a difficult time recognizing the impact their disclosure may have on their spouse.
They are deeply in denial. Bill imagined that if his new self-understanding were such a positive thing
for him, then surely his spouse would not stand in the way of his happiness. His wife saw things
differently: her marriage of more than a decade felt like a sham, and she felt as if she had been
sleeping next to a stranger all those years.
Is divorce inevitable for gay men who come out to their wives? Not necessarily. Paradoxically, the
option of staying married is more available as homosexuality has lost much of its stigma over the past
decade or so; being gay doesn’t seem so perverse or exotic anymore. In marriages where both
partners are deeply committed to their relationship, flexible in their approach to each other – and
where both are willing to do a good bit of work – staying together may be a viable option.
Self-deception is not a good way to go through life. Coming out is almost always the key to physical,
emotional and spiritual health. Staying in the closet has been shown to correlate highly with
increased risk for depression, alcoholism and other health concerns. Coming out often takes a great
deal of personal courage and resolve.
Going through the process alone is very difficult and painful. Support groups are available.
Individual counseling is often very helpful.
Some pain in life is inescapable and some losses in life are necessary. Avoiding pain is sometimes
not an option in this world. Choosing how we respond to difficult situations can make all the
difference.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.