~ More Than Friends ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
It’s not unusual for someone to say of his lover, “He’s my best friend.” That’s a sweet thing. Of
course, it’s also great to have a best friend who is not part of your relationship, especially at times
when the relationship feels a little strained and we need some place to let off steam.
Friendship is necessary but not sufficient for a relationship. To have a lover is to have a relationship
that goes beyond even a special friendship. Especially for men who are new to the relating business,
it’s important to pay attention to the ways that intimate relationships differ from even the most
important of friendships.
No one would want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn’t a good friend. Friendship
provides stability to a couple: shared interests, taking pleasure in one another’s company. Friends
spend time together, do things together, talk and laugh and share life with one another.
Relationships involve a lot of hard work at times, and having fun together helps us endure the rough
spots.
Romance is the key difference between friends and lovers. Think of it as the fuel that keeps the
relationship engine running. Romance is much more than seduction and sexuality. It means caring
for one another in special ways like building memories together, telling him “I love you” even when he
already knows you do. Lovers develop special little habits and rituals when may seem silly to others.
These little things bring a joy to lovers that are out of proportion with the pleasure of the acts
themselves; they’re especially joyous because you are doing them with your beloved.
Beyond romance, there are other things that help build relationships into more than friendships.
Sharing important family events together is one thing, whether that is doing things as a couple during
the holidays or bringing your partner along to other family events. Straight couples do this
automatically, and healthy families welcome the spouses of biological family members without thinking
about it. When our partners are welcomed into our families of origin, the acknowledgement supports
our relationships, and our partner’s place in our lives is affirmed.
Sharing spiritually intimate times is also important. For some that means going to church together.
For others, it might mean going on a retreat or some other activity together or doing something else
that enriches life.
Caring for one another in times of special need are important. A year into my relationship with my
partner, I had to put my 22-year-old cat to sleep. It was a very painful time for me. Having Jennings
there to love and support me not only made the experience bearable, but it drew me closer to him to
know I could rely on him – especially when I was a slobbering mess.
Men value their independence. Many of us worry about losing ourselves in relationships and
becoming too dependent or too vulnerable. What we sometimes miss is that relationships are
different than friendships – even close friendships. It’s good to develop a bit of healthy and mutual
dependence on one another. That’s one of the things that deepen intimacy with a partner.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.