~ Moving Beyond Hurt ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Relationships bring us the greatest joys we experience in life – and also the deepest pain. Part of
our unconscious motivation for entering a relationship is to help us heal from the old wounds we’ve
carried since childhood. Our adult relationships are supposed to be different. When we
experience hurt even from the person we love the most, we can feel deeply wounded.
Hurt can arise from a variety of places. If your partner has an affair or leaves you feeling betrayed
the source is clear. At other times, the cause of injured feelings is much more difficult to pinpoint.
Feelings of disappointment can accumulate over time: a missed anniversary, a thoughtless act, a
real or imagined slight. We find ourselves feeling distressed, angry, bruised.
Dealing with hurt requires maturity – an ability to act like an adult, even when feeling wounded or
enraged. Having access to your emotions is good and healthy, and you have a right to express
your feelings. But staying there forever leaves you in the role of victim, and that’s not going to
lead to happiness. It’s important to figure out what is going on inside of you and within your
relationship so you can determine what you really want.
Talk about your feelings with your partner. Letting your partner know what you’re feeling
accomplishes several things: it keeps communication open between the two of you, and it keeps
resentments from building up in secret. It allows your partner to understand what you are
experiencing and to have the opportunity to take responsibility and make things right.
Communication is also important because events can be misinterpreted; sometimes what actually
happened isn’t as you first understood it. If you find yourself feeling wounded even though your
partner has not actually wronged you, your pain could be self-inflicted or the result of old
messages that cause you to doubt your self-worth.
If you are hurt because of something your partner did, you are going to need time to determine if
you can forgive him. Check out, too, whether or not the fundamentals of the relationship have
changed. If your partner wants to make amends, is that agreeable with you? Do you want the
relationship to continue? It’s your call. After you reflect on your situation, you may find that the
damage can’t be repaired. If that’s the case then your challenge is to communicate that clearly to
your partner.
If the relationship is fundamentally sound and has a future, what can your partner do that will help
heal things? Is there something he can say or do that will help? The first step in healing the
relationship is for the offending partner to make it clear that he really understands the depth of his
partner’s feelings without getting defensive or offering explanation. The second step is to say
without equivocation: “I’m sorry.” Only then can forgiveness enter the picture.
Unless you can come to that place of forgiveness, your relationship has little future. Forgiving is
different from forgetting. You may always remember the hurt, if it was sufficiently large. Your
mission is to find a way to put the event in the past and move forward.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.