~ Needing Him ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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“People who need people,” the great philosopher Barbra Streisand once declared, “are the
luckiest people in the world.” How true! Life is full of twists and turns, and having someone to rely
on is a very good thing. Anyone who is so independent that they have no need of another human
being’s care is going to be too independent to be part of a couple.
Mutual support is important in healthy relationships. Being part of a successful couple requires the
individuals involved to both give and receive support. This may not be as simple as it sounds.
Men are taught to be independent from an early age. Independence is an important quality. Each
of us is ultimately responsible for his own life and welfare in this world. Expecting someone else to
make life easy for us is setting ourselves up for a lot of disappointment. And being in a
relationship with someone who can’t make his own way in the world is no walk in the park.
At the same time, our culture celebrates the unrealistic fantasy of the “self-made man.” To be
strong and self-sufficient is thought to be masculine and far superior to being needy and
dependent. The thought of really needing another person’s help can be terrifying to some men.
As men, it’s often easier for us to offer help to someone else than to ask for it ourselves. Nurturing
someone else can distract us from our own needs by focusing on the other person. Carried to it’s
extreme, this sort of misplaced caring is a form of codependence. Habitually putting the other
person’s needs ahead of our own is not a path to happiness or fulfillment.
In reality, none of us is completely self-reliant. We need someone there for us when the chips are
down – whether it’s a bad day at work or a life-threatening illness. We want an encouraging word
from time to time. We yearn to be loved and accepted for who we are, not just for how useful we
can be to someone else.
About ten years ago I had a conversation with a very close friend about our goals in life. Fred
said, “Well, mine is to never use a bedpan.” We laughed. A couple of years later, Fred got sick,
then sicker. He was confined to bed for most of the last year of his life, completely unable to care
for himself.
Fred became dependent on his partner and their friends for everything – including personal
hygiene. It was difficult for him, but he learned to accept his situation with grace and good humor.
He was unable to do the many things we take for granted each day, but he was showered with love
and affection by those who cared for him over those weeks.
We care for one another in a dozen different ways every day, often without even thinking about
what we are doing. It’s a natural thing. When you allow yourself to be loved and cared for by your
partner from time to time – and when you reciprocate and offer yourself to him – you’re letting him
slip inside your defenses. That’s one of the ways we grow more intimate with each other over time.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.