~ Negotiating Sex Outside The Relationship ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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A friend of mine likes to say that there are long-term relationships and there are monogamous
relationships – but, he says, there are few long-term monogamous relationships. I don’t think he’s
right. Statistics suggest that many, maybe even most, male-male couples keep all their sex within the
relationship. Just the same, many men live in relationships that allow each partner to occasionally
have sex with someone else.
How two men feel about opening up a relationship will depend on the meaning each partner gives to
sex and sexuality. If sex is seen as largely a form of fun, then sport-fucking will have less impact on
their feelings for each other than if one or both partners always connect sex with love. Most men who
experience sex as intimate sharing rather than erotic recreation will be more comfortable in the long
run if they keep things monogamous.
A couple may choose to open a relationship to spice things up sexually and provide a greater variety
of experience. Other times, one partner has an erotic interest the other guy doesn’t share and sex
outside the relationship is a compromise. Bill and Mike have been together for more than 5 years.
They have found that inviting a third party to join them now and then is hot and non-threatening. Bill
says, “I’ve also learned not to let Mike feel left out, even if I find the other guy is totally hot. Mike gets
really turned on when I tell him how much I love him while we are getting it on with some stud.”
Occasional sex with an outside party may not make much difference to the level of closeness within a
relationship. However, if cruising for sex happens too often, even the most tolerant partner may find
himself feeling jealous, unhappy and displaced. Couples who have lots of outside sex should take a
look at whether or not this really works for them. How satisfied are they with the relationship? Are
they avoiding the difficult work of intimacy by getting some of their needs met elsewhere?
Too much avoidance will kill a relationship. If outside sex is an indication that one party or the other is
withdrawing emotionally, the relationship is in trouble.
If you are interested in exploring an open relationship with your partner, be ready to talk and get all of
each person’s needs and feelings out in the open. Choose a time when things are going well for the
two of you; if you bring up the subject right after an argument, your partner may interpret the
conversation as a desire to back away from him. If you have no idea how your lover will respond, you
might start by asking him some questions: Has he ever thought about having sex outside the
relationship? Has he known any couples with relationships that are open and happy? Those sorts of
questions are an invitation to deeper conversation. Listen carefully to how he responds. Don’t push
him into saying the words you want to hear if he will resent caving in to pressure later.
If both of you are open to the conversation, the next step is to explore what conditions each of you
feels will best serve your relationship. Tom is a software consultant and is frequently out of town on
business. He and Rick have been together quite a while and have decided that occasional sex with
other people is not a big deal when they are geographically separated. In fact, the two of them will
sometimes talk about their separate encounters when Tom comes home. Tom gets very horny
thinking about his lover getting another man all hot and bothered. They’ve also found that too much
emphasis on cruising outside the relationship will make either of them feel a little jealous. Over time
they have found the balance that works for them.
Boundaries are important. Joseph was much more agreeable to his partner Michael’s sexual
adventures at the gym when Michael assured him that he wouldn’t do more than occasionally jack off
with a buddy in the shower. Sex with any possible health risks was just too uncomfortable for Joseph.
This compromise works well for them.
Unsafe sex outside the relationship can put both partners at risk – not just for HIV, but also for all
sorts of other things. The increase in frequency of STDs in the gay community makes this a concern
regardless of whether both partners are negative, both positive, or one positive and the other
negative. If your partner has to pay a price for the pleasure you experienced with someone else, he’s
likely to be devastated.
Telling your partner that you’ve slipped and not kept your agreement is not a pleasant task. If you tell
him and the two of you decide to take safety measures with your own sexual experience, the
commotion can be a relatively minor glitch while you pay a visit to the doctor. If you give your
unsuspecting partner an STD, it’s likely to be a much bigger deal. Honesty really is the best policy.
Some couples find it useful to make a distinction between emotional faithfulness and sexual
monogamy. “I don’t care who Bob has sex with,” one friend said recently, “as long as I’m the only one
he’s in love with.” The rub is that it can be tough to build a wall between sharing erotic desire and
experiencing romantic feelings. Jealousy happens. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Relationships
with no potential for a little jealousy are often boring or shallow.
Whether a relationship is open or monogamous, it is crucial for each partner to feel that his lover puts
him first and above all others. Few men are going to be satisfied if they feel they are only a part of
their lover’s stud stable. For this reason, healthy open relationships may take even more care and
nurturing than other couplings.
What you and your lover decide about creating an open or exclusive relationship will depend on a lot
of different things: your sense of what your relationship is about, the compatibility of your shared
desires, the level of intimacy with which you are comfortable and your personal sexual ethics.
Whatever choices you make, keep first things first. Your relationship with your partner is what is most
important. Keep that in mind when you consider your options.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
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