~ Ready For A Relationship, Part 2 ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Some components of being ready for a relationship involve doing internal work that will help us to
be happy, regardless of whether or not we ever enter into a committed, long-term relationship. But
successful relationships require more than an ability to be content within ourselves; they require us
to be capable of interacting with another in healthy ways, and to understand something about how
relationships work.
Having a certain level of social skill is probably required to be someone’s lover. That doesn’t mean
you need to be endlessly charming and witty, but you probably do need to understand that he’s
going to expect a card from you on Valentine’s Day. If he’s going to be proud to be seen with you,
you’re going to need to do more than meet the basics of getting along in social situations: getting
along with friends, being sociable with family.
You aren’t the only one with feelings around here, you know. That means that you are going to
need to develop a certain sensitivity to the feelings of the other guy. “Sensitivity” means picking up
on the clues he gives off as to what he is feeling (say, sad about hearing some bad news), and
having the ability to respond to those emotions (perhaps by reaching out to comfort him). Both
comprehending and responding are important here, and that requires attention and the ability to
extend yourself.
Feelings can get uncomfortable at times. Can you cope with change? How about
disappointment? Guys who expect to have everything go their way aren’t mature enough to make
it in the love arena. Relationships demand that we are able to express our emotions, and to do it
in ways that are appropriate.
At the same time, we sometimes need to be able to act differently than we feel. Perhaps you’re
tired after a day at work and just want peace and quiet and to be left alone. If your partner has
something comes up that really requires your attention, you can reasonably be expected to put
aside your feelings and do what is necessary in the situation. (Not always, of course; you have the
right to your feelings, too.) Being emotionally predictable helps. No one stays in love with an
emotional volcano for long.
What’s it like when you get pissed off? It happens to all of us. No matter how much you love
someone, sometimes he is going to irritate you or hurt you. Expressing your anger or hurt is not
only OK, it’s essential in the long run. Holding a grudge, however, is going to sabotage your love
for one another. The same goes with endlessly revisiting the problem in a way that keeps the two
of you from moving beyond it. Forgiveness is an important part of maintaining any loving
relationship that endures for long.
And when he’s the one pissed off? Can you act appropriately and rationally, even when someone
else is losing it? Without that skill, arguments can escalate out of control and wreck a relationship.
Can you give and receive criticism when it is warranted? Learning from experience helps us to
improve relationships over the long haul, to move beyond that initial bliss of being together and
move into committed, enduring intimacy.
Loving couples are capable of giving and receiving affection, warmth and gentleness with one
another. This can be a challenge when we didn’t grow up in that sort of family, but this sort of stuff
can be learned, if needed. Having a soft, gentle voice on occasion helps, too.
Relationships require us to change what we can change and cope effectively with what we cannot
change. They are a lot of work! Maintaining the relationship requires commitment and an ability to
make that a top priority within one’s life. When we can do that, we’re ready for a relationship.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.