~ Relatives ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
Gay men aren’t the only folks who have complicated relationships with parents and in-laws, of
course. But while straight couples typically get a lot of recognition, support and encouragement
from their parents and other family members, things are often different for us. Some families are
very welcoming. Other families are indifferent or hostile, and that can complicate loving
relationships between men.
Enlightened parents welcome a son or daughter’s partner into the family. Even if this feels like
uncharted territory to Mom and Dad, they grasp that the new love in their son’s life is the important
thing, not the gender of the person offering that love. Family get-togethers may be awkward times
when protocol is still being determined, but good intentions and clear communication are enough
to smooth over most rough spots.
How to establish a good relationship between you and your partner and your parents?
For starters, if you’re not already out to your parents – this is the time to do so. They need to
understand that your partner is your partner – not a roommate, “friend” or some other shrunken
version of your true relationship. If your parents want to introduce your significant other as “our
son’s friend” if you bump into their acquaintances, that may not be a big deal. But it is a very big
deal for you to represent the relationship that way to people in your family network.
Be clear about what you want and expect when you introduce your partner to your family. Are you
looking for parental approval? If you are close to your parents it is understandable that you would
want their support, but be clear: you are an adult, and your life choices do not depend on Mom
and Dad’s approval. In fact, implying that you want that approval puts your parents in an awkward
position. Now instead of just meeting your beau, they have to give him their seal of approval.
Wouldn’t it be enough if they were simply polite and friendly around him?
Make it easy for your parents to give you what you want. “Mom, I want you and Dad to come over
for dinner next Saturday and meet my boyfriend Michael” is pretty clear. “Um, Mom, there’s
something I’ve been wanting to tell you. I don’t know if this is a good time, but well, um, I’m seeing
this guy Michael and I wanted to let you know” is not clear communication. Put yourself in your
mother’s place. How is she supposed to react? You sound ambivalent and uncertain. Her
reaction is likely to reflect that.
What to do when parents are unwelcoming to your partner, despite your best intentions? This can
create a painful dilemma; it can feel as if you must choose between your family relationships and
your relationship with your partner. While sometimes that is exactly the choice that must be made,
more often the choice is really about how to respond to familial bullying.
For those of us who have been raised to be the proverbial “best little boy in the world,” it can be
disorienting to realize that it’s time to stand up to family pressure. Remember: you’re an adult
now, and if you and your partner have made a commitment that reflects your love and devotion to
one another, then he is your primary family now.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.