~ Romancing The Shy Guy ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
You’ve met someone you think is really special. You get clues that he thinks you’re interesting, too:
a certain smile, maybe a little eye contact, dancing nearby at the club, maybe even word-of-mouth
from his friends. But when you try to make conversation, he seems to disappear. What’s up?
Perhaps you misread his signals. Or maybe you’ve encountered a guy who has anxiety in social
situations. It may seem counter-intuitive. You’re the one making the move, right? What does he
have to be anxious about! But shy men experience a lot of ambivalence about getting close to
someone. They may want it more than anything – but they are so self-conscious about making
contact that they avoid getting exactly what they most want.
What to do?
For some men the answer is obvious: if the guy doesn’t express interest in them, they move on to
the next fella. Nothing wrong with that; it’s completely your call whether or not to pursue someone
who doesn’t seem to want to be pursued. And if your experience is that "most" men seem to be too
socially anxious to respond to you, the problem may be your approach rather than the other
person’s shyness.
There’s nothing wrong with trying the direct approach first. "Want to go out for coffee sometime?"
is direct and uncomplicated. Sometimes being direct will help disarm the introvert’s self-
consciousness. It’s worth a try.
If that doesn’t work, try the opposite. Make no demands whatsoever with that guy who sidestepped
you at the gym. Instead, just practice being subtly friendly. Smile and say hello. That may make him
more comfortable around you. Try again in a few weeks.
Sometimes patience is rewarded. Your low-key approach may be exactly what this man needs to
help him open up. You may find that he’s an interesting and fun guy underneath the shy "armor."
Introverts don’t have it easy in life, and good guys are worth the extra effort.
But beware. Pushing someone beyond his comfort zone is not a good way to end up with a date –
at least, not one you’d want to actually be on. And that’s part of the danger with romancing the shy
guy. At some point, shyness turns into something else. If someone really doesn’t pick up on the
cues that you’re interested in going out, or if they get what you’re asking but can’t respond with a
reciprocal interest, it’s time to call off the hunt. You don’t want someone who is simply caving in to
pressure when he goes out with you. You want someone who’s interested in you and excited about
the possibility of relating to you.
When someone tells you something like "I’m not ready for a relationship" or "You’re too good for
me," it’s almost always best to assume he is telling you the truth. And if it becomes really clear that
the object of your affection simply isn’t interested, learn to let it go. You may be building castles in
the air by imagining yourself with this guy. It’s time to move on.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.