~ Setting Up House Together ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
There comes a point when dating becomes…something more. It’s not just a matter of loving your
partner more than you did a few months ago. You find yourself wanting to share more and more of
your life with him or her. And you find that the sharing includes not only big exciting times, but also
the little day-to-day stuff.
Therapists sometimes call this the "nesting urge." You still enjoy evenings out, but the evenings
"in" seem even more important. Hanging out at one place or the other turns into living together.
Maybe you’re only thinking of being able to spend more time together naked, but sharing living
space implies a certain commitment and raises all sorts of issues. That’s not a bad thing; it’s a sign
that your relationship is deepening.
Some people’s urge to merge overwhelms their common sense. They move in before they really
know who the other person is. Suddenly they have their names on a lease with someone, and they
realize too late they’ve made a big mistake. Or what seemed like a simple and practical decision to
save money on rent is understood by the other guy to be the functional equivalent of marriage.
Oops! Take time beforehand to make sure you’re both on the same page. Many gay relationships
evolve informally, without the clear markers that signal changes in the status of the relationship.
Communication is key.
What’s important to you when you think of home? It’s no big deal to some guys, who feel at home
whenever they’ve got a place to dock their Palm Pilot. But others find that it makes a big difference
if the shared place is yours, mine or ours. Moving into someone else’s already-established home
can be especially tricky. If that’s what you’re doing, talk it over. What does it take to make the place
feel like home for both of you? Some men find it’s enough to have equal voice in picking out the
color to paint the living room. Others could never feel a place is truly home unless it says so on the
title to the property.
If one of you has a strong attachment to starting off fresh, it may not be possible to share
previously occupied space and feel like it’s truly home for each of you. You may need to find a new
place that is "ours" from the moment you walk into it. That’s understandable, although it can be an
expensive option in a time of high prices for real estate.
Indeed, the whole idea of home has both practical and symbolic importance. How does it feel to be
changing your residence? Does it make sense and feel right or do you find yourself full of anxiety?
Talk it through with one another. Try to separate the practical issues from those that are laden with
lots of emotion, and give both areas ample airing. How will you share the monetary issues that
come with managing a household together? And be aware that some practical issues may include
talking with an attorney if the title to property is involved.
If either of you is feeling hurried into making a decision, resolve not to rush into a situation that
may compromise the harmony of your relationship. The pacing of when to share a nest is unique to
the individuals involved.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.