~ The Language Of Intimacy ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Men aren’t always socialized to talk about what they are feeling and can feel at least a little lost
getting into the deep intimacy of relationships. Fortunately, we can grow in our capacity to be
intimate with one another.
I once heard someone say that intimacy as an unarmed encounter between two vulnerable
individuals. Both parts of this statement are important. We need to disarm -- to let go of the urge to
be right and to avoid an urge to “punish” the other person, even when we feel we have been
injured. Being able to assert and express ourselves without attacking the other is important in
deepening our connection with others.
Appropriate vulnerability means opening ourselves, even with that presents the possibility of being
misunderstood or hurt. It can be a challenge not to get defensive when we are being challenged,
which is one reason intimacy isn’t always easy, even when we know we want it. It’s easier to let
down your guard when the person you are with is trustworthy and means you know harm. If you
find yourself in a relationship with someone whose behavior causes you to feel unsafe much of the
time, you are going to have a difficult time being very intimate. (If you find yourself choosing
partners like this repeatedly, consider getting help to break this unhealthy pattern.)
It’s tougher to do all this if you haven’t seen healthy intimacy modeled by adults while you were
growing up. Unfortunately, many of us have found ourselves in that predicament. Regardless of
what you were or were not taught growing up, you are capable of having a fulfilling relationship.
A good place to start is by being patient -- with your partner and with yourself. Letting down your
guard and learning new ways of connecting with another person both take time. Be gentle with
yourself.
True intimacy requires knowing what is in your heart and finding ways to communicate this to your
partner. Some men find that when they look inside themselves, mostly what they feel is anxious,
numb or confused. Don’t let these feelings stop you. In fact, speaking about your difficulty and
discomfort may be a good place to start.
If you find yourself confused, start by learning to simply take note of your feelings. You don’t
always have to respond quickly to every question or statement if that means engaging your mouth
before you have sorted through what is in your heart. Take a breath and learn to pay attention to
what is going on inside of you. In the same way that all colors are variations of the primary colors --
red, yellow and blue -- all feelings tend to be variations of one of four primary emotions: sad, glad,
mad or scared.
Men have sometimes been taught to fear their emotions, or to cut themselves off from emotions
that cause them to feel vulnerable. “Only babies cry!” “Don’t be a wimp!” Feelings of sadness or
tenderness or hurt may then become complicated by feelings of shame or embarrassment. The
problem is, having feelings is a crucial part of having a deeper capacity for intimacy and of being
truly emotionally healthy. While men who have learned to fear their emotions may worry that they
will be overwhelmed by them, the true way to have sad emotions run your life is to feel shame over
having them in the first place!
Let go of the need to have your communication or your relationship be perfect. Focus instead on
being real and telling the truth.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.