~ Thoughts and Feelings ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Little boys are raised differently from little girls. It’s not just a matter of some children being given
toy trucks on their birthdays while others are given Barbie and Ken. If a little girl comes into the
house crying, an adult is much more likely to talk with her about what happened and what she’s
feeling. A little boy in a similar situation is likely to be asked what’s wrong and given advice on
what to do differently next time.
Girls and women are taught a language of emotion that is often not provided to boys and men.
Girls are expected to feel and express emotions. Boys are taught control emotions. Get back in
the game! Feelings and emotions are typically seen as a feminine realm, while males are taught to
take action.
Certain feelings are “masculine,” and OK for boys or men to experience. Anger is one; it’s
perfectly acceptable for a man to feel pissed off. Horny is fine, too. Any man can admit to these
feelings without loss of face.
Other feelings are much more difficult – fear, for instance. Anything that implies susceptibility of
one sort or another puts men on shaky ground. Everyone feels these things from time to time,
unless they live in a perpetually numb state. But feeling anxious or sad or helpless can be so
threatening to many men that they are unable to put their identify the feeling at all.
This puts men at a serious disadvantage later in life. Something happens to them, and they have
an internal experience…but they can’t exactly tell you what it is. They are aware of being
uncomfortable with the sensation, but can’t quite put their finger on it. They feel awkward or
embarrassed.
This is especially problematic in relationships. Heterosexual couples have an advantage over
male-male duos in one respect: one of the partners is much more likely to have the sort of
emotional vocabulary that facilitates communication between the couple. Gay male relationships
may be more likely to feel stuck, or to have less range of emotional expression. The result may be
that uncomfortable topics get avoided, and conflict remains below the surface. When that
happens, relationships suffer.
Many of us get confused about the distinction between thoughts and feelings. “I feel like going to a
movie tonight” is a thought, not a feeling. Thoughts are ideas, considerations, or reasons.
Emotions or feelings are a sensation rather than a thought, and may be experienced in the body:
the chest, shoulders, stomach. Most emotions can be reduced to one or more of the primary
emotions, often described as sad, mad, glad and scared.
In intimate relationships, what we feel is often at least as important as what we are thinking. That’s
because loving relationships are not intellectual encounters, but connections of one heart to
another. Learning to speak the language of the heart – that is, to become more comfortable and
familiar with feelings and emotions – enriches our capacity for communicating with our beloved,
and that deepens our relationships. It also allows us to get more of what we most deeply want,
because we have the language for making our requests and needs known.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.