~ To Young For A Relationship? ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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“He’s got a great job, he’s a good kisser and he has a great personality. Too bad he’s 23.”
This comment came from a 35 year old friend of mine explaining why he couldn’t seriously date the
guy he had recently hooked up with. Why was he too young, I asked? Dissimilarity in their
interests or tastes in music? No, my friend told me, they seemed mostly compatible that way. Did
the guy strike you as immature, then? Not at all: in fact, he is on the fast track at work and he is
saving up to buy a condo.
What was it then? “I don’t know…. He’s just too young, that’s all.”
There are lots of reasons why a significant age difference can make a relationship or friendship
problematic. Sometimes there is a lack of the shared life experience that comes with someone
close to our own age. Sometimes we’re at different places in life – different challenges or
interests. Sometimes someone just falls outside of the age range we’ve learned to think of as
attractive and available.
And sometimes there’s no reason at all why any of these things should be a problem, other than
our anxiety about what people will say or think.
Men who fear dating guys younger than they are may worry their friends will label them a “chicken
hawk” – a variation on the dirty old man fiend. No one wants to be the target of jokes because of
the guy he’s dating.
If there’s a conversation about age in our community, it’s usually about how unfair the gay world is
to older men. That’s a problem sometimes, but hey – the way we treat younger men isn’t often any
better. Calling someone a “twinkie” is a way of dismissing them as unsubstantial and shallow. The
comments may come from a place of envy about the attractiveness, energy and innocence some
younger men possess, but “twink” is a put-down, not a compliment. It’s a way we keep ourselves
separated from one another.
Some men are unable to find anyone their own age truly attractive. They develop a fetish towards
younger guys. This is both unappealing and unfair; it lumps younger guys together as a group
and denies the uniqueness of each individual. And since youth is a temporary state, it hardly
makes a sound foundation for building a lasting relationship.
More often, the gay community practices a sort of self-segregation regarding age. We hang out
with others similar to us. We go to clubs or organizations full of people who look about like we do.
Our community’s rhetoric about coming out probably leads some straight folks to imagine that
when one of us does claim his identity as a gay man, the gay community throws a big “Welcome,
New Brother!” party. The reality is often very different. The gay community’s ambivalence towards
younger men leaves young guys on their own to fend for themselves.
The solution is for each of us to…grow up. Treat people as individuals, not stereotypes. Learn to
appreciate people who are younger or older than you. Cultivate an appreciation for other
differences around race, gender, social class, etc., too. It’s a big world out there. Let’s enjoy it
together.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.