~ Triple Play ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
Gay men like to push the edges of things: caring for our bodies, designing our living spaces, the
way we live as sexual beings – you name it. In the same way, we often are open to knew things in
relationships on occasion.
Several men I know are in multiple person relationships. I know heterosexuals in similar
arrangements; straights tend to call the arrangement “polyamory.” We don’t use that term much
as gay men, but we are at least as adventurous in trying out all the possible combinations and
permutations of relationships. If two is good, is three better?
People choose relationships with multiple partners for many reasons. The novelty of having a third
person around certainly can certainly make things interesting. For some men a couple is a pair,
but three people makes it feel like a family. Chores and responsibilities can get divided up with
less work (sometimes) and there is more usually more disposable income. Two friends of mine in
San Francisco pointed out that by adding a third person to their relationship, they were now able to
afford a larger apartment. (That wasn’t their only motivation!)
Relationships are complicated and plenty of work even when there are only two people in them.
What’s it like when a third enters the calculations?
It’s unusual for three people to meet one another simultaneously and decide to form a potentially
complex relationship. More often two of the partners have been together a while when the third
person enters it. If you’re thinking of getting into a three-person relationship, there are certain
issues to think about first:
If you have a jealous streak, a relationship with more than one person is likely to make you crazy.
How are you going to feel when the other two decide to do something while you’re occupied with
working late? And remember your high school geometry. There are many types of triangles –
some with equal sides, some very unequal. If the feelings of intimacy and attraction aren’t similar
between each of the three parties to this relationship, the triangle is going to be very unstable.
Don’t look at adding a third person as the cure-all for a two-person relationship that needs work.
The new guy will bring his own issues into the mix. That makes things more complicated, not less
so. Make certain you and your partner both talk thoroughly and openly about your feelings. This
is no time to sweep feelings under the rug. Keep the conversation going as long as necessary.
What if you are already in a three-party relationship? Understand that all relationships take work,
and unconventional ones often take more work to stay healthy. Some people find that having
family meetings are good ways to make sure that everyone participates in making decisions and
keeping communication clear.
Who knows about your unconventional relationship? Keeping secrets isn’t healthy for a
relationship. Neither is experiencing judgment from friends and family. Can you count on your
social network for support during difficult times?
If you’re in a relationship that’s having trouble and you are thinking about getting relationship
counseling, be prepared to interview the prospective therapist at least as thoroughly as you would
someone who was going to work on your house. Does the therapist have biases that would make
them judgmental about your relationship? Do they have experience in working with alternative
relationships?
There are successful multiple relationships out there, but there are also many failed relationship
experiments. Expanding your relationship isn’t like deciding to get a pet. Keep your eyes and
heart open and think clearly about what you really want. Don’t rush into anything.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.