~ Unreturned Love ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
It happens to most of us at least once in life: we feel ourselves falling in love, but the feeling and
falling isn’t mutual. Our feelings grow deeper, but he doesn’t return them in the way we hoped he
would. It’s as if we don’t exist at all for him – or we want to be lovers and he wants us to be “just
friends.”
Small wonder that unrequited love is a great tragic theme in romantic stories. When love is
completely one-sided, big-time hurt is inevitable if either party tries to pursue a relationship.
The guy whose love is unreturned can really feel caught in a potent stew of emotions. First there is
the feeling of passion, even obsession, which comes from feeling attached to someone. Stir in
feeling rejected by the object of our desire, then add jealousy to the mix. The result is a recipe for
misery.
If the desired guy isn’t totally clear and plain-spoken in saying “this relationship isn’t going to go
anywhere,” what he intends as gestures of friendship or being nice to the other guy can
unintentionally leave the rejected party totally hooked. Behavioral psychologists have known for
years that random rewards for behavior bring about the strongest attachment to that behavior. Not
being certain how his attentions will be received can cause the rejected one to mistakenly hold out
unrealistic hope.
For that reason alone, there’s no substitute for clear communication if you find yourself dealing with
someone who is way more interested in you than you are in him. There’s no need to be cruel (“What
on earth would ever make you think I’d be interested in you?”). But realize that you’re doing no one a
favor by sugar coating your message to the point where it becomes unclear (“Gee, you’re a really
wonderful guy, but I’m just so busy right now….”). Buck up; be a man about it and speak the truth (“I’
m sorry, but I’ve got to let you know that I’m just not interested in dating you.”)
And what if you’re the unwanted party? Keep things in perspective. One man rejecting you doesn’t
mean that every other man will also reject you. If you’ve invested yourself in someone who isn’t going
to respond in a positive way, do what other investors would do when faced with a losing proposition:
cut your losses. End contact if you can. Keep busy, don’t dwell on negative or unproductive
thoughts, spend time with friends and get back into the dating game as soon as you can.
If your thought patterns stay obsessive and negative, you may be at risk for depression. Talk to your
doc or seek help from a counselor if the feelings don’t subside after a reasonable amount of time.
Be aware that what you see as “concern” for the other party may be perceived by him as something
else: stalking. Give him his privacy. The tendency to look for his car in the parking lot at “your”
nightspot or checking to see if he’s online is only reinforcing your attachment to him. That’s self-
destructive. Let it go, even if it’s very hard to do so. It will get better with time.
If the feeling of unreturned love goes on for too long or if it becomes a repeated pattern, the effect on
your self-esteem can be corrosive. Don’t let it get to that point. You have the right to invest your
love in someone who can return those feelings back to you.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.