~ You've Got Mail ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
Ah, email. It makes our life easier in so many ways. Many of us get tons of it at work and then still
more at home. It’s easier than a phone call – and way easier than writing an actual letter. Does
anyone write letters anymore?
It is understandable that we would want to use email to stay in touch with those we care about.
There’s the weekly email to Mom and Dad, the occasional message from that friend who moved to
California last year. And then there are the special ones. When we see a message in our inbox
from someone we’re dating, it gives us a little jolt of pleasure. Especially early in a relationship, we
may find ourselves checking the ol’ inbox every hour to see if he committed his thoughts to paper –
well, electrons, I suppose.
Caution! Email is a wonderful medium for some types of communication, and a terrible one for
others. (Ask anyone who has had his employer tell him he’s by email that he’s been fired, for
instance.)
Email transmits ideas and opinions. That makes it great for setting up dates and other
appointments, and for conveying information in an efficient manner. Unfortunately, email is a
perfectly awful medium for transmitting emotions, especially the subtle emotions that are so
important in maintaining intimate relationships. We miss the little cues that are present over the
phone – voice inflection, hesitation before responding, and so forth. While you might imagine your
email correspondent sitting in the same room with you, if he actually was you could see his facial
expression, sense his emotional state. :) is a very poor substitute. In fact, the content of an email
can be like a Rorschach inkblot, just waiting for us to project our interpretation onto it.
One of the big advantages of email is that it is quick and leaves a permanent record (unless we
delete it). One of the big disadvantages of email is that it is quick and leaves a permanent record.
The quickness means that we can give someone our thoughts right away…and that can sometimes
be problematic in intimate relationships where we would do better to consider our words
sometimes. Have you ever hit the “send” button and immediately known it was a mistake? You’re
not alone.
A phone conversation becomes a memory moments after it ends, but an unhappy email message
just sits there until we delete it. We can go back and reread it and wound ourselves yet again. It
becomes a part of the long-term record of our love life, for better or worse.
For all of these reasons, if you have the need for an intimate conversation with someone, please
consider picking up the phone or having the conversation face to face. The give and take of live,
real-time conversation is nourishment for relationships. If you find yourself exchanging intimacies
via email, be aware that you may be misunderstood, or may misinterpret what has been written to
you. If that seems to be happening, pick up the phone as soon as possible. Keep it real, not
virtual.
And while we’re on the subject: remember that those little virtual greeting cards aren’t the
equivalent of actually caring enough to pick one out at a shop, sign it with a personal note and
hand-address an envelope. Get real!
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming
out, sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-
8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any
duplication in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.