~ Cyber Orgasms: Sex Online ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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“Leave it to gay men to invent the ‘Home Cruising Network,’” a friend of mine said a few years ago.
Like many men, he had found that the Internet opened up a brave new world of sexual options. Some
of us have always found quick, anonymous sex to fill an erotic need, but the advent of the World Wide
Web has given new meaning to the term. It’s now possible to meet people from all over the globe –
especially if by “meet” one actually means, “get off with the guy.”
Cyber sexuality more or less falls into one of three categories: 1) finding someone online for a real-
time encounter via personals or a chat room; 2) online porn, erotica, etc., to use for a sexual fantasy;
3) connecting with someone via chat room, instant messages, email or video streaming (like
Netmeeting) for mutual sex play.
The first two of these are variations on what men have always done. Men have cruised one another
via personal ads, phone lines, etc., for years. And men have always been interested in porn, sexy
images and stories – just look at the success of porn mags and videos. What the Internet has added
is immediacy and variety. Stimulation is available all the time and in catering to every conceivable
fetish and fantasy. Got a thing for blond Russians into watersports? Ivan and Igor are waiting for you
right now! And check out their web sites: hundreds of images. Please have your credit card ready.
So what difference does all this make? Is cyber sex a good thing or a bad thing?
Perhaps the point should be noted that cyber sex gives a whole new meaning to the term “safer sex.”
No body fluids are exchanged when the sex is more or less electronic, and that’s no small
consideration. Ever notice how people feel freer to express what they want online? They can get in
touch with their desires – especially, it seems, the kinkier ones – and that can even be the kind of self-
discovery that leads to more mature enjoyment of sex.
When cruising online, it’s important to distinguish fantasy from reality. Creating the perfect fantasy is
easy when you’re not going to meet face to face. But how many men have invited someone over only
to find that their chat room buddy had stretched the truth a little – subtracting 10 years and 25
pounds from that self description? In most cases, chatting and exchanging email isn’t the same thing
as really getting to know someone.
Cyber sex is a little like the advice you heard in high school health class about masturbation: normal
and healthy as long as you don’t do it “to excess.” (“Excessive” usually meant “more often than the
person leading the conversation.”) There is no need to get puritanical about cyber sex, but there are
good reasons to think about what you’re doing.
The impersonal nature of online sex can be both a blessing and a curse. It certainly makes it easy to
find something to turn yourself on. But can it become too easy? Sexual material is everywhere, and
that means we can find ourselves in sexual situations without remembering exactly how we got there.
Cruising for sex can become a way of avoiding reality. Maybe we cruise because we’re bored or
stressed or just have nothing better to do. We can find ourselves wasting more and more time – or
becoming dependent on the Internet as a sexual outlet. That’s especially true for men who are
anxious about sex for one reason or another. When that happens, cyber sex becomes compulsive,
not recreation.
How much is too much? Most men who enjoy sex have worried about whether or not they may be “sex
addicts.” The same thing can be true of online erotic stuff. You’re entitled to private fantasies without
having someone make you feel guilty about having a little fun. At the same time, though, compulsive
sexuality can lead to real problems: wasting time that should be spent more productively (working, for
instance), messing with dating or committed relationships, spending too much time alone in front of
the computer instead of with friends.
Men who are compulsive about cyber sex tend to promise themselves they will cut back…and then
find they can’t. They become secretive about their computer use. They find themselves spending
more and more time and energy around erotic fantasies; they may even begin to think of their
computer as an alternative sex partner. Or they take stupid risks – engaging in illegal activities like
collecting child porn or putting themselves at risk in other ways.
How do you keep a problem from developing? Here are some suggestions:
Have sex when you’re horny – not when you’re bored, anxious or distracting yourself from problems.
Monitor your use (pun intended). Spending too much time doing any one thing is going to get out of
hand. Get away from your keyboard and do something else.
Don’t lie about what you’re doing. Keeping secrets can make cyber sex more powerfully attractive
than it needs to be.
Take stock of your relationships. Is there enough intimacy in your life? Are you happy with the quality
of your interactions with others?
Take a long look at your sex life. A little fantasy is a good thing, but if most of your sex is
masturbating at a keyboard, you are sexually anorexic.
If you decide you need professional help, find a psychotherapist with a positive attitude towards
sexuality and gay life. You need someone who will help you make your life fulfilling on your own
terms, not try to fit you into someone else’s definition of healthy sexuality.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.