~ Getting What You Want In Bed ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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“Oh, baby, you’re the best!”
In our fantasies, we’re always in bed with a guy who knows just how to push our buttons. He’s neither
too rough nor too cautious. He knows all our hot spots. Maybe he even shows us some nerve
endings we didn’t know we had. He knows just what to do. It’s as if he can read our mind.
“OW! Watch the teeth, okay?”
In everyday reality, we find ourselves in bed with someone who can’t read our mind and who doesn’t
know where our hot buttons are unless we tell him. He makes missteps – just like we do. If we’re
lucky he’s enthusiastic and attentive. Sometimes were not so lucky.
If getting your erotic needs met feels like going to a pot-luck dinner – you take what you get; maybe it
will be better next time – it’s time to learn new ways of communicating your desires with your partner.
Talking about sex can seem…unsexy. If we embarrass easily or if we don’t really know just what we
want, the whole topic can make us anxious. We worry about sounding stupid or demanding. Worst of
all, we worry that talking about sex will spoil the mood. Instead of getting what we want, we may not
get anything at all.
Some conversations are easiest to have away from the bedroom and well before you and the object
of your affection are naked. “I always talk about safer sex stuff before we get to my place,” Joe says.
“It’s easier to ask about how he feels about condoms over dinner than when we’re between the
sheets.” Joe’s other tip: he lowers his voice, looks his partner in the eye and tells him how much he
wants to ride his partner’s dick all night long – if they can wrap that rascal first. Who could resist an
invitation like that?
It’s easier to talk about problems outside the bedroom. “I would really like us to take it slower” is easy
to hear over a glass of chardonnay at dinner. “Hey, slow down!” in an irritated voice when you’re
getting pounded in bed is more likely to bruise your guy’s feelings. No one wants to feel like a klutz in
bed.
Feelings are easy to bruise, especially around sex. Be kind rather than accusatory. See if you can
frame requests in a way that is positive. “You know what would drive me crazy? I’d love for you to…”
Try to make only one request at a time. If you bombard your partner with suggestions he may feel
you are telling him he’s sexually incompetent. No one wants to hear that. Instead, be encouraging.
Give him compliments if they are sincere. Sit close; maybe touch him gently and reassuringly.
And when you are getting it on and you get what you want, let him know it. Tell him “Yeah, that’s it!”
or moan and sigh, move around, smile. Psychologists like to say when a certain behavior is
rewarded, it happens more often. Compliment your partner often (without going overboard). Catch
him doing something right, and let him know you love it. Building up his erotic self-confidence is good
for you, too. This is one time when it can be very good manners to talk with your mouth full!
Take responsibility for your desires. Make “I” statements rather than “You” statements. There is a
big difference between “I’d love you to get more forceful with me” and “You aren’t aggressive
enough.”
Almost every man has had the experience of losing an erection during lovemaking. This is not fun. It
can be pretty embarrassing. Talking about it is difficult, but discussing your concerns with your
partner can be the path to resolving the issue. “I decided I shouldn’t be having sex with anyone if I
was afraid to lose an erection with him,” Jorge says. “If I couldn’t feel secure enough for that, I was
putting to much performance pressure on myself.” Letting his partners know that his body was
sometimes slow to respond even if he was really enjoying himself helped him relax and be less
distracted.
Ever heard the advice that to be considered a good conversationalist, you really need to be a good
listener? It’s the same with sex. Often we give someone what we hope he’ll give us. We like having
our nipples played with, so we play with his – even though it seems to annoy him. This isn’t likely to
get you what you want, and it’s also not the way to be the most skilled lover around. You would be
much better off telling him what you want and touching him the way he wants to be touched.
Ah, touch. There are so many ways to make physical contact with someone. Touching or being
touched in exactly the same manner all the time can become irritating. Enough of exactly the same
touch and our brains shut down – you will stop feeling the touch altogether. This is not pleasant.
Better to vary how you make physical contact, alternating light touch with firmer, fingernail scratches
with holding, teasing with squeezing.
If you are going to try to get more of what you want, it’s only fair that you give your partner more of
what he wants, too. Ask him about particular turn-ons or fantasies. What gets him going? What
turns him off? Don’t be defensive. You might even see if you can be sexy or playful when you initiate
this conversation. You are telling him that he’s important and you want to give him pleasure. This is
can be very different from a clichéd what-are-you-into conversation.
Don’t be afraid. Speak up. You will be imperfect and make mistakes. So what? Taking the initiative
is masculine and sexy, and makes it much more likely that you will get what you want and deserve.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.