~ How To Talk To Your Partner About Sex ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Talking about sex with a partner is a challenge, especially with someone you have just met or are just
starting to date. Some of the ways boys learn to talk about sex growing up (“Did you get any last
night?”) aren’t exactly helpful for nurturing intimacy or getting our needs met. Most safer sex
educators recommend talking about sex before becoming physically intimate, but they rarely tell men
how to do it.
Maybe you’ve met someone at your local club and you’re finding him pretty interesting. He’s giving
you signals that he’s interested in you, too. The way he touched your arm got your attention. He
smiled the sort of smile you recognize as more than just friendly. The touching has become a bit more
intimate now, and he wants to know if you would like to come over to his place. You are definitely
interested, but you’ve decided that getting it on right after meeting isn’t something that works for you if
you are really interested in the guy.
This is one of those times when avoiding the topic is likely to put you in an awkward position pretty
quickly. If you want to go home with him knowing that sex is likely to happen, great. If that’s not what
you want, better talk about it now. You might want to exchange phone numbers and make plans for
later in the week. Don’t let yourself be pressured into something you don’t want or aren’t ready for,
whatever the reason.
Or you’ve decided that you really are turned on by this guy and you want to get physical with him.
Does it matter to you what your partner’s HIV status is, or is it important for you to tell him yours?
Some men find they can’t relax with someone if they don’t exchange this information. Better to talk
about it sooner rather than later. If you are positive, for instance, and this guy is going to react
negatively to that information, it will be a lot easier to find that out well ahead of actually getting naked.
If you are negative and you want to find out about status before having sex, initiate the conversation
early after finding out that interest is there. If you know that you would be uncomfortable making love
with a positive guy, do both of you a favor and have the guts to talk about it with him. You have a right
to make that decision, of course. But if you ask a question, you should be prepared to hear an
answer, including one that was not the one you hoped to hear. Take responsibility for your decision (“I
appreciate you telling me, but I have found I can’t relax around positive men.”) Don’t respond in a way
that makes you a jerk (“Sorry -- I only date clean, disease-free guys.”)
For many men, HIV status is less an issue than knowing that the two of you are in sync about what you’
ve decided is safe and what is just too risky. Try keeping the conversation relatively light and -- once
again -- talk about it early on. Waiting until you are naked puts you in an awkward position (literally!)
to receive the news that this guy won’t use a condom. If you’ve got concerns about how healthy it is to
enjoy a particular activity with someone you’ve just met, tell him you’d like to wait for now. If you have
decided that you really need a condom to enjoy something else, tell him with a smile and make it easy
for him to agree with you. And remember: you’ve got the perfect right to decide what works for you;
don’t let yourself be pressured.
Next time: how to get what you want in bed.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation