~ I Really Like Sex; Am I A Sex Addict? ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Ever wonder if you are too interested in sex for your own good? No doubt many gay men have asked
themselves this question. For a variety of reasons, sex tends to be important to us. We tend to have
sex with more partners than straight men do – sometimes, lots and lots more partners.
Just the same, many gay men regard their sex lives as a bit of a dirty secret. They read about the
fight for marriage rights in their local gay paper, and they see “good gay guy” images on TV sitcoms
that look pretty virtuous. (Queer as Folk is quite literally a different story.) What about the man who
isn’t interested in settling down, and who considers cruising his sport of choice?
Take Jeff, who enjoys sex. A lot. Jeff wouldn’t hazard a guess as to how many guys he has hooked
up with over the years, but it’s not unusual for him to go home with a guy after dancing the night away
at his local club. He goes to the baths on occasion. His profile on AOL makes it clear that he’s
available. He’s in his mid-30s and not interested in settling down. He has a circle of friends he can
count on when he needs them, and he considers his life pretty happy and fulfilling. He thinks of
himself good at sex, and for him sportfucking is the equivalent of going to the movies or heading to
the bowling alley. Last month Jeff has sex with a dozen men.
Does Jeff have a problem? Let’s take a look. He’s doing well in his job as a legal professional; his
erotic life doesn’t interfere with his professional work or relationships. He doesn’t put himself at risk of
arrest by doing anything illegal. He has enough friends to get his needs for emotional intimacy met.
He plays safe; in fact, despite all his sex partners, Jeff has never had an STD. His personal life is in
good shape.
Simply having a lot of sex doesn’t make a person a sex addict. The phrase "sex addiction" has been
popularized over the past couple of decades to describe compulsive sexual behavior. The term is
controversial in some quarters. When addiction was first coined as a term to describe self-destructive
behavior it was used in the context of drug or alcohol abuse. Anything short of complete abstinence
from drug or alcohol use is described as relapse. This sort of language becomes a problem when we
talk about "food addiction" or "sex addiction," where abstaining completely isn’t possible. Going
without sex the way that an addict needs to give up heroin doesn’t make sense.
Sex can play havoc in our lives when it really is uncontrollable. Sex is compulsive when it takes over
so much of our lives that other parts of life and well-being suffer – or when our sexuality becomes
destructive and out of control. It’s not just sex; human beings seem able to make almost anything a
compulsion or “addiction.”
Mark has a problem with sex. He spends all of his free time cruising for sex online, even when he
should be working. He can’t seem to keep away from the toilets in the rest stop on the highway
outside of town, even though he has nearly been arrested or robbed more than once and rarely
meets anyone who turns him on. When he has sex with someone, he often doesn’t enjoy it all that
much. He feels guilty as hell afterwards. He never tricks with the same guy twice. He has trouble
dating. He feels lonely and bored a lot of the time, but the thrill of cruising seems to take his mind off
his troubles.
Some people assume that men who are sexually compulsive are “oversexed” and horny all the time.
That’s not true; uncontrollable sexual behavior is more likely to be unrewarding rather than
passionate. Too often, Mark has sex when he’s anxious, not because he’s horny. Sex is a time-filler
for him.
If you’re concerned about your sexuality, take a look at both the quality of your sex life and how it fits
in with your overall well-being. Are you enjoying sex? Does a sexual encounter leave you feeling
good about yourself? Do you have sex when you’re horny…or just because there is nothing else to
do right now?
If you find yourself feeling guilty around sex, it’s important to understand why. Guilty feelings could be
a signal that you are doing something stupid and need to stop before you get hurt. But guilt could
also be an expression of internalized homophobia – a feeling that gay sex is wrong or dirty. There is
no need to feel ashamed of being affected by homophobia, but you’ll need to work on getting rid of it
if you are going to be truly happy in life.
Is there enough emotional intimacy in your life? Even if you aren’t interested in a boyfriend, it’s
important to have people around you that support and love you – people you can count on both in a
crisis and during everyday life.
If you’ve got a concern that your erotic life isn’t working for you, seek out a gay positive, sex positive
counselor or therapist. Talking about sex can be difficult. Interview a prospective counselor
carefully. How does he or she feel about sex? Is he comfortable talking about it with you? (Don’t just
assume therapists have worked through all their own issues!) You need to work with someone who
can challenge you, but who can also make you feel comfortable. A therapist with a negative or
judgmental attitude towards sex isn’t going to help. Be an informed consumer.
If you want to make changes in your life, try to work on more than just getting rid of stuff you don’t
want. You need to replace what’s not working in your life with new behaviors that will make you
happier. Finding out more about what you truly want isn’t always as easy as it seems, but it’s
important if you are going to be happy in the long run.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.