~ Inhibited Sexual Desire ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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We gay men tend to take sex and our sexuality rather seriously. There is often the expectation that
we should be ready for sex at the drop of a hat. When something goes wrong with sex in our
relationships, we can find ourselves feeling pretty anxious. What happens when we find ourselves
feeling uninterested or apathetic about sex?
The clinical term for this situation is inhibited sexual desire. People experiencing it may find that they
have little interest in sex with their primary partner. Other guys find that they have little interest in sex
with anyone. Some men with inhibited desire rarely initiate sex, although they respond if their partner
makes an advance. Other men lose interest in sex all together. In it’s most extreme form, individuals
with inhibited sexual desire may find sex repellent or distasteful.
It’s normal for two men to have different levels of sexual drive. Scientists in recent years have found
that sex drive (in both men and women) is regulated by the level of testosterone in the bloodstream.
Levels of testosterone can vary widely and still be considered “normal.” Inhibited sexual desire is not
the same thing as having a lower sexual energy than one’s partner.
This situation can be temporary and caused by outside stressors such as too much work. This has
sometimes been described as “Yuppie Bed Death:” two partners both working long hours in
successful careers, with little time or energy left for romance at the end of the day. Sexual interest
can also fall when having sex becomes a power struggle within the relationship. If a relationship is
experiencing conflict or if affection and romance has disappeared, it’s not surprising that the erotic
relationship is going to suffer as well.
Male sexuality is a fragile thing. If we are afraid that we’re going to fail at sex, we probably aren’t
going to be very excited by it. Losing an erection, premature ejaculation or painful intercourse are all
things that can cause us to lose interest in sex. So can sexual illnesses such as gonorrhea, anal
warts, etc. Anxiety about HIV certainly contributes to the mix for many gay men.
If you think that you (or your partner) may have inhibited sexual desire, counseling or medical
attention may be in order. Some of us have grown up with very negative or restrictive views about
sex. This has sometimes been called the “Madonna/whore complex,” dividing partners (in this case,
women) into two classes: those who are good and those who are sexy. It can take work to reconnect
the two. Negative traumatic sexual experiences like rape or assault are also associated with inhibited
desire.
If the lack of interest in sex is part of a broader range of symptoms, it is possible that you are
experiencing depression or exhaustion. A hormone deficiency is also a possibility. For these reasons
and a host of others, being able to talk about sexual matters with your health care providers is
important for your well-being.
Healthy sexuality is an important part of most intimate relationships. You are entitled to enjoy sex.
Don’t allow yourself to settle into complacency about problems with your erotic life.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.