~ Low Sex Drive ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Men are supposed to want sex all the time, right?
That’s what a lot of men believe. The idea starts at puberty with talking about sex in high school
locker rooms. It continues later in life when we come out and start exploring gay culture, which looks
like a big sex party to a lot of men. Gay, bi or straight, men are all about sex, all the time. As one
authority on male sexuality has put it, the myth is that men are supposed to be “two feet long, hard as
steel and able to go all night.”
Does that describe you? Maybe not. What if you enjoy sex…but not as much as everyone else
around you seems to enjoy it? If your sex drive is lower than average, you may wonder what is wrong
with you.
There is probably nothing wrong with you. “I’m a hell of a lot more interested in quality than quantity
when it comes to sex,” says Jim, a 30-year-old professional guy in Atlanta. “I’d rather have hot sex
with the right guy once every week or two than have lots of crummy sex several times a week.”
How much sex is enough? You’re going to have to find that answer yourself, guy. Some men find it
perfectly normal to be jacking off every day and still having sex several times a week. Other men don’
t have that much sex in a month. It’s an individual thing.
Some men find they just don’t have much erotic interest regardless of whether Mr. Right is around or
not. They don’t think much about sex. Or they think about it, but don’t care about it enough to
actually act on the urge. Or they find that when they get it on, they have trouble getting it up.
The hormone testosterone controls sex drive in both men and women (yes, women have it too). What’
s a normal testosterone level? Levels for healthy men vary between 200 and 1200 nanograms of
testosterone per deciliter (ng/dl) of blood. Normal levels for teenagers and young adults are highest
– 800-1200 ng/dl. Some men still have 800 ng/dl levels at 70, but that’s unusual. There is usually a
decrease of about one percent per year.
Testosterone levels are influenced by many factors. Replacement hormone therapy is available, but
somewhat controversial due to unknown long-term effects. Your physician is the best source of
information about all this.
It’s normal to have more interest in sex on some days than others. Sometimes we’re distracted by
other stuff and sex isn’t quite as important. A sudden drop could mean a health problem; talk it over
with your doctor.
If you are concerned that your libido is low enough that it may be a problem, consider the major
causes:
Stress and fatigue. If you’ve been working too hard, pushing yourself too much or preoccupied
with financial worries, your interest in sex may be lower than usual. Think of the loss of interest
like you would the warning light on your car’s dashboard: it’s there to get your attention. Maybe
you need to cut back on your commitments or work fewer hours. Maybe you need to take better
care of yourself.
Depression. If you’ve ever experienced depression, you probably remember it as a time when
nothing gave you much pleasure. That’s one of the things that makes depression so painful.
People who are depressed often find they have little energy, decreased appetite for food, sleep
problems and little interest in sex.
Ironically, some antidepressants work fine at alleviating these problems, but have what those
television ads euphemistically call “sexual side effects.” Translated into English, that means
difficulty in getting an erection or taking longer than usual to cum. If you’ve started an
antidepressant and those problems sound familiar, talk to your doc. Another medication may treat
the depression without making your sex life something else to be depressed about.
Relationship problems. If your relationship is in trouble because the two of you are fighting all
the time or going through a period when you really don’t want to be together, it’s crazy to expect to
be attracted to your partner. You may not even want to be around one another.
Sex can be a problem when your relationship has hit the skids. It’s hard to be all that attracted to a
guy at the same time you’re experiencing pain or anger with him. You’re going to need to deal with
those issues before sex has much appeal.
What if you feel pretty good about the amount of sex you’re having – but all of your friends seem to
be having lots more? Remember that sex is your choice, an individual thing. And remember that
some of the guys who made up stories about their erotic conquests back in high school are still lying
years later.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation