~ Making Sex Sacred ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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Our North American culture is goofy when it comes to sexuality. On the one hand, sexuality and
sexual information is suppressed; perhaps because we confuse ignorance with innocence. On the
other hand, sex is everywhere - used to sell toothpaste, brain-dead television sitcoms, soft drinks and
cigarettes.
Our culture is also goofy when it comes to spirituality. The scientific age in which we live has us
satisfied only when we have broken everything down into the smallest parts possible. “Mystery” has
come to mean failure a to understand or research thoroughly enough. Mainstream religion -
meaningful for many, but a compromised resource for lesbians and gay men - seems equally
uncomfortable with the puzzles of life’s meaning at the end of this millennium. Despite all our
knowledge, we find ourselves adrift.
Sexuality in America is more often associated with entertainment (think “movies”) or medicine (think
“Viagra”) than with spirituality. This reflects our nation’s Puritan Protestant roots. We have a prurient
but ambivalent attitude toward sex, and we may find it unimaginable that other traditions take a very
different approach. Tantra, for instance, understands the cultivation of erotic energy as a pathway to
the Divine. Taoism views the raising and cultivation of erotic energy as a pathway to health. A
Cherokee friend told me once that in his language, the phrase for masturbation means “to pour honey
on the heart.” Most of us did not grow up in families which talked about pouring honey on our hearts,
if they talked about sex with us at all!
Where is the mystery in our sexuality?
Gay folk may have more insight into the potential sacredness of sexuality than others. For us, the
journey into our sexuality has often resulted in growing in our self understanding, acknowledging our
identity, taking action in the world, finding our place. We experience revelation in our sexuality as well
as the potential for communion.
Many of us have felt the touch of the Divine in the touch of another. Whether simply the joy of
connecting with another eager body or the sharing of intimacy and passion with our beloved, we can
acknowledge the mystery involved in the erotic. Despite our cultural conditioning, we intuit that
something uniquely powerful is upon us.
As children we explored our bodies with joy and without inhibition. Left to their own devices, kids play
doctor and touch one another without shyness. Boys bathing find their hands travel predictably to
their genitals, there to explore sensations and the body’s delights. Judgment is not a part of this
process unless an adult is around to shame the child.
As we enter puberty the sensations of the body and the meaning of our exploration changes. What is
erotic becomes more powerful. In this culture, it often becomes more dangerous as well. Boys
anxious about their own bodies may project their fears on each other and wound one another. For
queer kids, the simple delight of sharing touch with another boy may be replaced by taunts and name-
calling. Our bodies and our sexuality become problems for us and we learn to dissociate ourselves
from our sexuality. Some of us disdain our bodies or turn our physical selves or those of others into
mere objects.
Many of us enter adulthood with a high degree of ambivalence about our bodies and our sexuality.
Joys of earlier years are replaced by disconnection between our spirit and our physical self. Sex
becomes a performance or a test of our manhood. Any sense of the sacred is fleeting or gone
completely. When erotic joy is gone, we wither and fragment.
The alternative is to seek pleasure in our own selves as a way of reconnecting with the mystery of our
bodies, the mystery of Creation. Similarly, deepening our capacity for lasting physical intimacy with
others requires us to look to our relationship with our selves first.
Consider making a date with yourself. Imagine touching your body the way you would want a lover to
touch you. Experiment and explore with yourself as if you were touching your body for the first time,
not the ten thousandth time. Instead of focusing on sexual release, make pleasure your only goal.
Light candles. Burn incense. Warm some oil. Put on beautiful, sensual music. Perhaps start with a
warm bath. Run your hands over your body. Touch your skin. Allow the oiling of your skin to be a
sort of annointing--one of the oldest ways we humans have of honoring one another. Explore yourself
with a mirror. Then close your eyes. See with your hands. Relax your breathing. Move your hips.
Stretch. Let your hands travel to your genitals without hurry.
Imagine sex without a goal other than self-enchantment. How much pleasure will you allow yourself
this time: 30 minutes? An hour? Maybe a second hour? Let the honey come to your heart in its
own time. Breathe. Relax and smile. Savor the moment. Can you take your body by surprise, catch
yourself off-guard with some little happiness?
Another process I like is something I call meditative masturbation. As you slowly pleasure your
bodyself, focus on each sensation. Let go of thought and fantasy. Be present to yourself. Breathe
consciously. Follow sensations around the body. A client of mine who uses seven-syllable mantras in
his meditation chants, “This pleasure is my birthright.” Let your touching slow to stillness if you would
like, conserving your ejaculate in the Tantric or Taoist fashion. If you choose to ejaculate, take your
time and allow yourself to do so in a state of total relaxation--not tensing your body, which restricts the
sensation. Savor the stillness afterwards. What sensations drift into your consciousness? Is there a
revelation here for you?
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation