~ Party Drugs & Sex ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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A friend (let’s call him Paul) was talking with me about sex recently. Paul is handsome and sexy, a
professional guy in his early 30’s. He turns heads when he walks into a room. “I don’t think I’ve ever
had sex without being high,” he told me. He seemed a little startled to hear himself say that. “I mean,
I haven’t really thought about it. I’m usually rolling when I go out to the clubs. And I am doing
something if I’m going out just looking for sex.”
Paul is not alone; many men use drugs of one sort or another in connection with sex. Fact is, one of
the biggest motivations for getting high or having a drink is to become less self-conscious and to feel
sexier. When we become less inhibited, our sexuality seems less complicated and more powerful.
Chatting someone up is easier. We’re feeling good and social anxiety disappears.
Sex and drugs each allow us to enter a different sort of headspace. We’re not as distracted by the
ordinary stuff that usually fills our thoughts (work, paying the bills, etc.); we’re more focused on what’s
happening right in the moment. At best, that can lead to the sort of event people talk about as “peak
experiences” where everything seems to flow just perfectly. Our ego boundaries are down. We feel
connected with the guy we’re dancing or having sex with – maybe even feel connected with the whole
universe.
The problem with cosmic experiences is that you can’t order them on demand, like ordering a pizza.
So we can end up chasing the experience longer than we should, and working ourselves into a state
where we lose our sense of ourselves. We suddenly find ourselves feeling lost, not blissful.
A night of partying starts out as a lot of fun. But a long evening mixing too many substances
(including alcohol) can turn into something that’s not much fun at all. We chase the guy we’re seeking
and eventually catch him – then find out that we’re no longer up for sex, figuratively or literally. Many
drugs increase the desire for sex, but limit the ability to actually have sex because of erection
problems. Or we’re just in a very different place after long hours of dancing and drugging, and sex
feels like something of a chore, not the climax of a great weekend.
Drugs affect sexuality in different ways. Many men find that ecstasy increases their self-confidence
and sense of connection with others; it can make sex seem incandescent. Like crystal meth or
cocaine, it is a stimulant that accelerates the central nervous system. Depending on the amount
taken it can also make users feel panicky or anxious.
These stimulants’ effect on the central nervous system means they can also have a powerful effect on
male sexuality. For instance, these drugs may make sex much more intense the first few times they
are used – almost like an aphrodisiac – with time they have the opposite effect. Sexual arousal shifts
and decreases. Some men find that they never get erections when using ecstasy, or they get
aroused but never get off. There is growing evidence that long-term use of stimulants can cause
impotence in some men.
GHB and ketamine are depressants, not stimulants. Users enjoy a sense of euphoria and sometimes
a heightened sense of touch, so the connection with sexual pleasure may seem obvious. (They share
some of these characteristics with another central nervous system depressant, alcohol.)
Unfortunately, GHB, K and alcohol all interfere with male sexual response.
Notice a common theme here? Almost all drugs have the potential for interfering with erections.
Erections are relatively precarious things, which is one reason why Viagra is popular among many
men seeking greater sexual self-confidence.
But what’s the effect of combining Viagra-induced boners and chemically disinhibited brains? If guys
toss poppers into the stew, there is the real possibility of a fatal interaction between Viagra and nitrate
inhalers. And men under the influence are much more likely to think with their dicks – a prescription
for riskier sex. Men using stimulants may find that the sex gets rougher than they intended because
they are processing physical sensations differently; they are more likely to wear out a condom or run
out of lube. And guys who know better find it easier to break their own rules about risky sex if they
are enjoying the relaxing effects of their favorite substance.
Having sex when our brain chemistry is significantly altered can reinforce the separation between sex
and intimacy. Too often there’s a fine line between being uninhibited being unconscious. We’re more
likely to make bad choices of sexual partners or find ourselves in situations without a clear
understanding of how we got there.
How do you know if you’ve got a problem? Ask yourself:
Are friends telling me they are worried about how I am with drugs or sex?
How often do I use drugs while having sex?
Do I have sex that is riskier than I really want to if I’ve been drinking or using?
Am I having trouble starting or maintaining the sort of relationships I want?
Am I guilty, ashamed or worried about what I’m doing?
It’s not good sex if you feel injured, guilty or ashamed afterwards. If you think you may have a
problem, get help. Find a doc or therapist who is knowledgeable and nonjudgmental about both gay
sexuality and drug use. You need someone who will help you sort out what is best for you, not
someone who wants to run your life. Sorting out your choices will help you stay healthy and happy.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.