~ Pleasure - Part 2 ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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In my last column I wrote about the cultural roots of our ambivalence about pleasure. Now I’d like to
talk about putting more pleasure in your sexuality.
Men tend to be very “goal-oriented.” That’s true in a life in general, and it’s also true about sex. And
what are the goals of most male sexuality? Erection, orgasm and ejaculation. In fact, the urge toward
these goals is so powerful that they replace pleasure itself. Sex becomes something to accomplish -
even a chore, at worst. And all too often, lovemaking becomes routine and predictable and
becomes....boring.
Can you recall the last time you were having sex and were not aware whether or not you had an
erection? Probably not. Erections take on a mystical quality in man-sex. And in the rest of life. Ever
notice the resemblance between MX missiles, Corvettes and the IBM tower at 14th and West
Peachtree? And the rest of life; computer systems are “up” and useful, or they are “down” and
worthless. If you are playing football, you get “up” for the game; the loser is said to be down
afterward. And so it goes.
Depending on which survey you believe, the average length of heterosexual intercourse is 3-10
minutes. No one has surveyed Gay men, but I bet the data would be more similar than different.
“Getting it done” that quickly makes sense if sex is something to accomplish. If your intention instead
is to cultivate intimacy with your partner and a deeper sense of pleasure, 10 minutes isn’t long.
Focusing on a goal can create a sense of stress rather than delight. And for all the apparent potency
of phallic stuff like sports cars and office towers, erections are fragile things that disappear quite
easily.
Let me make a few suggestions for cultivating more erotic pleasure in your life.
1. Put the sense of “playing with yourself” back in masturbation. Take a deep breath. Slow down.
Focus on the subtler sensations that last longer than most orgasms. Feel your skin. Stroke your
face. If you usually don’t use lubrication, try using some. If you already use it, try warming the lotion
or oil or gel before you apply it. Experiment with different lubricants. Try corn starch, for instance -
good for lighter touch. If you use videos or written erotic to “stoke your fire,” don’t let them distract
you from the contact with your own body.
2. The next time you are sexually intimate with a partner, again take a deep breath (or several)
and slow down. Look into his eyes. Let your face relax. When you touch your partner, do so slowly
and in a way that drinks in the mystery of his body. Vary your touch - light touch as well as firmer.
Surprise him a little. Surprise yourself!
3. Sometimes we are more comfortable giving than receiving. We are “human doings” rather than
“human beings.” Practice being. Let yourself receive. Make sounds. If something feels good, let
your partner know. Share your delight and watch it multiply.
4. Let go of goals like having an erection or ejaculating. Erections are only necessary if you are
doing penetration sex. Flaccid penises have a beauty all their own. Let yourself just enjoy what you
are experiencing in the moment. Relax.
5. Communication is an important part of good sex. Be gentle, positive and supportive in asking for
what you want. And purr when you get it. If you want to try something a little different with your
partner, talk with him first, and away from the bedroom (or wherever else you intend to get intimate!)
I have a friend who’s evening prayer is to thank God for putting all of the nerve endings in just the
right places. I like that. Here’s to a lifetime of exploring your nerve endings!
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.