~ Sex Addiction ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
Ever wonder if you are addicted to sex? I suspect many gay men have asked themselves this
question. For a variety of reasons, sex tends to be important to us, and we tend to have sex with more
different partners than straight men do. It’s not unusual for some gay men to have hundreds of
partners over the course of their lives.
Gay culture places a great deal of emphasis on sex. Most publications in our community feature
hunky, barely-clothed models to get our attention and contain ads for phone sex lines, models and
escorts, etc. Cruising is the sport of choice among many men in our community.
The term “sex addiction” has been popularized over the past few years to describe compulsive sexual
behavior. The term is controversial in some quarters. When addiction was first coined as a term to
describe self-destructive behavior it was used in the context of drug or alcohol abuse. Anything short
of complete abstinence from drug or alcohol use was described as relapse. This sort of language
becomes a problem when we talk about “food addiction” or “sex addiction,” where abstaining
completely isn’t possible.
I don’t think it makes sense to talk about food or sex as “addictive” in the same sense that
amphetamines or alcohol can be addictive. If a client came to me and said that heroin was ruining his
life, I wouldn’t try to help him find a way to use the drug in a way that worked for him. Unlike heroin,
however, sex is a part of a healthy life for most people.
It should also be noted that some programs for “sex addicts” identify any sexual behavior outside of
heterosexual marriage as sick behavior. There is a political component in identifying all gay sexual
behavior as unhealthy. Like so-called “ex-gay” ministries and “reparative therapy,” these programs
are dangerous for gay men. Similarly, it is normal for gay men and women in the process of coming
out to spend a lot of time and energy thinking about sex and sexuality. And some programs for sex
addicts either imply or state outright that kinky sex, masturbation or using pornography or erotica
makes sex addictive. This is puritanical nonsense.
None of this is to minimize the havoc that sex can play in our lives when it becomes compulsive.
Sex becomes compulsive when it takes over so much of our lives that other parts of life and well-being
suffer, and when they way that we express our sexual desires in ways that are destructive and out of
control. The naive assumption some people make is that the person with a sexual compulsion is a
hedonistic pleasure seeker or “oversexed.”
Compulsive sexual behavior is unfulfilling rather than passionate. The reality is more that the
compulsive person probably feels little joy around sex at all. The motivation for sex may be to lessen
anxiety, rather than because of feeling sexual desire or horniness. Unfortunately, you can never get
enough of what you don’t really want. In addition, people who experience sexual compulsion often find
that their intimate lives suffer. Real life with an actual person pales in comparison to the thrill hunting
down the next sexual adventure.
If you think your sexual behavior may be compulsive, seek out a sex-positive therapist or other
professional familiar with compulsive behavior. A healthy approach to sexuality for gay men
emphasizes making sex better as much as making it not harmful. Change and growth are possible, but
require more than eliminating old sexual patterns. New behaviors which are more fulfilling need to be
brought into the picture if changes are to be long-lasting.
Our society is ambivalent about sex -- especially the sexuality of gay men. Establishing a healthy,
fulfilling sexuality is a challenge, but well worth it.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.