~ Triple Play ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
Joe and Ralph are two professional guys in their late 20’s. They had been lovers for five years when
they met Brian. “At first we were just friends,” Ralph says. “Then we started getting naked together.
The sex was what attracted us at first.” Then feelings developed between the three of them that none
of them had anticipated. Brian moved in a year ago. After some initial adjustment, the three of them
are very happy right now.
When straight people have a relationship involving more than the customary two partners, they call it
“polyamory.” We don’t use that term much as gay men, but we are at least as adventurous in trying
out all the possible combinations and permutations of relationships. If two is good, then is three
better?
Men choose relationships with multiple partners for many reasons. The novelty of having a third
person around certainly can make things interesting. Three people can feel more like a family than
being a couple feels for some men. Chores and responsibilities can get divided up with less work
(sometimes) and there is more usually more disposable income.
Relationships are complicated and plenty of work even when there are only two people in them. What’
s it like when a third enters the calculations?
It’s unusual for three people to meet one another simultaneously and decide to form a potentially
complex relationship. More often two of the partners have been together a while when the third
person enters it.
Richard fell in love with a couple that had been together for 8 years when he met them. He was
attracted to their stability and wide circle of friends. They also made him feel like the center of
attention when the three of them were in bed together. They invited him to move in – first as a
roommate, then as the third party in their relationship.
“I was in love with both of them,” he told me. “What I didn’t realize was that one of the two guys wasn’t
so enthusiastic about the situation. Basically, he was talked into it by the other guy.” The situation
worked well for a while. “Eventually, the less eager guy announced he was moving out. I was a
mess! I felt abandoned and blindsided. I also felt like I was responsible for breaking up the
relationship they had before they met me. I was fucked up for months after that.” Richard and the
remaining partner have stayed together, but their relationship is very different from what they
expected.
If you’re thinking of getting into a three-person relationship, there are certain issues to think about
first:
What if you are already in a three-party relationship? Understand that all relationships take work, and
unconventional ones often take more work to stay healthy. Some people find that having family
meetings are good ways to make sure that everyone participates in making decisions and keeping
communication clear.
Some men in threesomes find they have a strong urge to keep the relationship a secret from family
and friends. Keeping secrets can be deadly to a relationship in the long run. How’s your social
support network? Could you count on friends and family to be there when you need them?
If you’re in a relationship that’s having trouble and you are thinking about getting relationship
counseling, be prepared to interview the prospective therapist at least as thoroughly as you would a
plumber. Does the therapist have biases that would make them judgmental about your relationship?
Do they have experience in working with alternative relationships?
Keep your eyes and heart open and make certain you’re ready for the experiment ahead. Adding a
third person to a relationship isn’t like getting a puppy.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.
* Not to be too cute about it, but how are you at sharing? If you had trouble
sharing your toys as a young boy, you may have real trouble with not having
someone’s undivided attention. (Of course, an optimist would point out you have
the attention of two people, not merely one. But not all the time — trust me on
this.)
* You had better not be the jealous type. How would it feel if the other two decided
to do something at a time when you have to work late? Not a problem…. or a
source of anxiety for you?
* Remember your high school geometry. There are many types of triangles –
some with equal sides, some very unequal. If the feelings of intimacy and
attraction aren’t similar between each of the three parties to this relationship, the
triangle is going to be very unstable.
* Don’t look at adding a third person as the cure-all for a two-person relationship
that needs work. The new guy will bring his own issues into the mix. That makes
things more complicated, not less so. Don’t even think about it.
* Make certain you and your partner both talk thoroughly and openly about your
feelings. This is no time to sweep feelings under the rug. Keep the conversation
going as long as necessary.