~ When Sex Gets Boring ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
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“I’ve got to beat the clock before we each lose interest.”
A client recently made that statement to me about his erotic life with his partner. His experience has
been that erotic interest between two people dies pretty quickly, so you better get in as much sex as
possible during the early years of the relationship. If you don’t have good sex early on, it’s never
going to get any better.
Single guys sometimes tell me they get tired of their sexual routine, too: sex may be easy to get, but it’
s often not deeply satisfying. They find themselves in a rut, feeling like they ought to be enjoying
themselves more than they actually do.
Feeling like sex has become a chore can take a toll on how you feel about yourself. If you’re in a
relationship, a sex life that’s as predictable as a 70’s sitcom rerun can make you feel like you with the
wrong guy. Ruts suck. They’re boring and the siphon the juice out of just about anything: your job,
your diet, and your relationships.
People are creatures of habit, whether we’re talking grocery shopping or lovemaking. Habits aren’t
necessarily bad if they work for you. Trouble is, routines can become so…routine. We want a little
variety, some jalapeno peppers spicing up the same old dish.
How to change things? A good place to start is with yourself. What’s it like when you’re feeling sexual
and you’re also alone? Many of us have been pleasuring ourselves in the same way since we left
adolescence. Get out the lube, turn on the VCR, enjoy yourself for 5 minutes, get a towel to clean up
and turn out the lights for the evening. Talk about ruts! What would it be like to take your time, to
really notice how your body feels, to run your hands over the smooth places and furry places, etc?
Or to get off your back, put on some music and touch yourself while you move and dance.
If you’re you may find your eyes starting to glaze over when you hear “So what are you into?” For too
many men words like “top” or “bottom” become like straightjackets, confining sex to predictable
routines. Why not mix it up?
Whether tricking, dating or relating, too many of us have picked up the mistaken message that a good
lover is in charge of his partner’s pleasure. This is actually a little grandiose; how are you supposed
to know what makes him feel good, especially if he doesn’t tell you? “I’m responsible for his pleasure”
leads to disappointment. Try replacing it with “I’m responsible for my own pleasure and for being
present with my partner.
A problem some men experience when they are in relationships is that we seek unconditional love
from our partner, but that sort of love can seem less sexy. In fact, the affection that builds over time
can make the other guy feel like family – and sex with him feel incestuous on an unconscious level.
Keeping a relationship sexy means breaking that taboo.
With a partner or someone else with whom you’re sharing erotic life, it can be fun to play the “Your
Turn/My Turn Game.” It goes like this: Ask your partner to undress and lay back while you explore
his body. (You may want to have some conversation first about his general likes and dislikes.)
Explore touching different places in his body – including touching with your hands, fingertips,
fingernails, lips, etc. Try varying the pressure – light sometimes, more forceful.
Make it playful; imagine a devilish look in your eyes, asking him “Which feels better, A or B?” See if
you can learn what sort of touch doesn’t work for him, what’s pleasurable, what’s a major turn-on.
When you’ve finished, it’s his turn to give and your turn to receive. The object of the game is for each
guy to find out more about what sort of touch feels pleasurable to receive, and for each man to learn
something about how to touch the other.
Don’t let your erotic life get boring. A guy could spend an entire lifetime learning about the landscape
of his own desires and learning how to be a good lover. Turn off the TV and see what happens.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.