~ Bad Sex ~
By John R. Ballew, M.S.
Copyright 2005 all rights reserved
|
You’ve probably done it; I know I have. You’re driving home late at night feeling disappointed – or
worse. Maybe you’re pounding the steering wheel and shouting at yourself. You just finished sex with
someone and you’re sorry you did it.
You know the bumper sticker that says that the worst day at the beach is better than the best day at
the office? Well, this is not true about sex. It’s better to stay hungry and horny rather than have sex
that leaves you feeling bad about yourself. Good sex means sex that feels enjoyable while you’re
having it, and equally good when you think about it afterwards.
Bad sex comes in several flavors, but the all taste pretty bad. You know it’s bad if you feel like you
just wasted your time, or like you did something that hurt yourself or someone else. And if the sex is
bad, why bother having it? The main mistakes people make are:
1. The sex was all right, but it was with the wrong guy.
In this instance, there was nothing wrong with the physical acts involved – the sucking, fucking and
whatever else felt technically OK. But there was something about the guy or the situation that made it
really not work for you.
Maybe one of you was hoping for a friendly encounter (or more) and the other one was brutally frank
that this was just about getting off, thank you very much. If you reserve fucking for someone you love
and you do it with someone you find you don’t even like all that much, your butt may be happy, but
your heart won’t be. If you’re single and looking for love, sport-fucking can leave your emotions raw
and take a toll on your self-esteem.
If you leave feeling wounded or feeling like you’ve wounded the other guy, the sex was bad, no matter
how much of a hunk your partner might have been.
Other situations that make it not work: you’re cheating on your lover and you feel guilty afterwards.
Or you and your sex partner match up in terms of availability, but the guy is thoughtless or rude in a
way that leaves you feeling bad about yourself afterwards. Or maybe you just have no interest in the
guy and realize you weren’t really horny – you were just avoiding some chore like paying the bills at
home. A good rule of thumb is to save sex for when you’re horny or wanting intimate connection with
another person – not when you’re just bored.
2. Both the sex and the guy were awful.
We’re not talking bad technique here. You picked up the guy when you were high or drunk, even
though you know that’s a problem for you, and now you feel like it was just another time when you
were out of control. Maybe the guy was so hot that you gave in and had sex that you know was risky
and unsafe and now you’re worrying about HIV or some other STD.
Some sex is really, really bad – when you’ve been assaulted, for instance. Maybe you are feeling
violated because what happened was essentially date rape. Too often men think rape is something
that happens only to women. They don’t recognize that having someone not take no for an answer is
also a form of sexual assault, even if no one pulled a knife or a gun. Men who are drunk or high or
who are just coming out can be particularly vulnerable to this sort of assault because they have
trouble setting limits. Learning to say no and learning to protect yourself is important. The woods
aren’t full of creeps, but hey: be careful out there.
3. The sex and the guy seemed OK, but the time afterwards was icky.
We can spend so much time working toward that orgasm that we don’t pay enough attention to what
happens afterwards. Put yourself in that place: you’re still breathing hard, and your body is in a
tingly, electric place. All of a sudden, your stud muffin is out of bed and on to whatever is next.
If you’re having good sex, when the squirting stops you are entering a time that sexologists call
afterglow. It’s a time when your heart is open and your body is awake, your mind is quiet and your
spirit is soaring. You’re feeling open and maybe vulnerable and with the right guy it’s a very sweet
time.
If you’re having bad sex, one of you is probably rushing to the bathroom to clean up right about now,
destroying the mood and implying that the lovely puddle of cum on your belly is actually some sort of
toxic waste. Good sex honors that semen. Even if you are a neat freak, don’t be in such a rush that
you leave your partner feeling dirty afterwards.
Of course in really bad sex someone may not be rushing for the bathroom – they may be running for
the front door. When it’s over, it’s over! Nothing to say and no touching or holding. It can feel like
listening to a piece of music that gets interrupted before the final notes are played. You’re left
hanging.
Orgasms are nice (OK, orgasms are great), but they are not the sum total of sex – especially good
sex. Good sex means that getting there is more than half the fun, and staying there afterwards is also
pretty cool.
How to avoid bad sex? First, resist the urge to cruise when you aren’t really horny. Using sex as a
time-filler sets you up for disappointment. Learn to say “no” when the chemistry with your potential
partner isn’t working; don’t have sex just to avoid disappointing him (believe it or not, people do that
all the time). Know your limits regarding alcohol, drugs, unprotected sex and related stuff, and honor
the limits you set for yourself. You’ll feel good afterwards. And finally, when you are having sex and it’
s going fine, don’t cheat yourself out of enjoying the coming-in-for-a-landing time after the big
orgasm. Treat yourself and your partner with tenderness and respect.
John R. Ballew, M.S., is a licensed professional counselor in private practice in Atlanta. He specializes in issues related to coming out,
sexuality and relationships, spirituality and career. He can be reached via the web at www.bodymindsoul.org or at (404) 874-8536.
© Copyright 2005 John R. Ballew, M.S. All rights reserved.
The BRC extends thanks to John R. Ballew for his gracious consent to display and archive his contributions on this site. Any duplication
in any form is prohibited without express written permission of the author and is a copyright violation.